Kind of dreading christmas. I'm not really seeing the point if fiona and grandad aren't here. All mum adn dad will do is fight. I wouldn't tell her but i would rather spend it with my baby.

ohh shaadaap kirsty. Seriously. Shut the fuck up. Stop being so over sensitive  Get a grip like you seriously need to get a grip because if you don't your going to make her feel like it's her fault. It's my emotions that ain't right. I will never mean to hurt you, not not and not ever. 

You're always amazing in my eyes.

I'll show you.. i won't tell you this time


:) 

Said it better than i could manage Jessie

When I'm nervous I have this thing, yeah, I talk too much
Sometimes I just can't shut the hell up
It's like I need to tell someone, anyone who'll listen
And that's where I seem to fuck up

Yeah, I forget about the consequences
For a minute there I lose my senses
And in the heat of the moment my mouth starts going
The words start flowing, oh

But I never meant to hurt you
I know it's time that I learned to
Treat the people I love like I wanna be loved
This is a lesson learned

I hate that I let you down
And I feel so bad about it
I guess karma comes back around
'Cause now I'm the one that's hurting, yeah

And I hate that I made you think
That the trust we had is broken
Don't tell me you can't forgive me
'Cause nobody's perfect
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, nobody's perfect, no

If I could turn back the hands of time
I swear I never would've crossed that line
I should of kept it between us
But, no, I went and told the whole world how I feel and oh

So I sit and I realize
With these tears falling from my eyes
I gotta change if I wanna keep you forever
I promise that I'm gonna try

But I never meant to hurt you
I know it's time that I learned to
Treat the people I love like I wanna be loved
This is a lesson learned

I'm not a saint, no, not at all, but what I did, it wasn't cool
But I swear that I'll never do that again to you, oh
I'm not a saint, no, not at all, but what I did, it wasn't cool
But I swear that I'll never do that again to you, yeah

Controlling your emotions when you're cuddling a cute little spaniel is easier..

Giving it my all trying to do the best i can for everyone and i feel like i'm making it worse and worse. I'm not going to give up trying to do the best for Natalie, and kirsty. Isla as well but i need to figure out where i'm going wrong. I don't want to hurt anyone but i'm shite at expressing myself without it sounding like blame. Made myself sick yesterday i worried myself into a panic and i'm not even sure why. I don't feel right.

Just want to be holding Nat so i can tell her how sorry i am for being rubbish. Make her giggle and she can sit and tell me all her stories. 

Andrew cheated on kirsty, actually cannot believe it. she is completely heart broken.. Hoping more than anything that she can manage to move past it because she really does love this boy beyond belief. You can't come back from something like that quickly though, once trust is hurt it's a little dent that is going to be there for good.Wish there was something more i can do. She's such a god damn beautiful person, no one deserves to be treated like that but no. Not kirsty. Not now she's back on track. 

sod going home after the dance come back to mine and we will see how your dress looks on my bedroom floor.. 

I think that maybe I've made her feel like shes not been doing good enough because i had been so "why you no love me..why you no text me back" Feel horrible for it because every time she comes to tell me something  like she can't meet up then she gets worried it will upset me. It must be so difficult for her to tell when i'm going to get upset and not. Truth is she is the best girlfriend i could ask for, and i know she does the best she can. I'm so lucky to have her and i know it. I really do. I want her to be able to just spend time with her friends without being upset about telling my because friends are important. I wish that i still had the same relationship with my girls that she does with hers. I never want to take her away from that. Never. It's just that i have horribly insecure times when i can't even control myself, there are ways to get my out of it but i don't expect her just to know these things. We are still learning how to deal with each other in some ways :) 

Basically what i'm saying is..

If you have time to come talk to me during the day, great! I'll just be really happy to hear from you because you're always my favorite text. If you don't well, come find me when you do have time. Don't be swayed with my moaning because sometimes i'll get like that. I'll always do my best baby.

If you want to go see your girls when we are supposed to be meeting up then go for it, i would rather be a little upset than stop you doing what you want. Besides what i told you last night applies here cutie.

And that i love you.
And when we aren't together i miss you but that okey because we will be soon.
It's not that i get annoyed at you, get annoyed at myself but not you baby. May get a little upset with you but that will be my own fault on the most part.

I want to hold her close, let her rest her head on my shoulder and run my fingers across her head to try and ease up her headache. It really is the little things that you miss, like the way she looks at me when it's been a little while and she is just smiling away at me. It's been what a good few years and every time i see her ( most times at least) it's still exactly the same little buzz. She has always been really gorgeous to me, as soon as i knew i liked her i released she was all kinds of beautiful. But in a different way because i see everything about her. She's a wow girl :) hahaha. No but seriously she is. 

Yeah i do say too much too often but i would rather she knew that didn't. 

That's just what i do, i'm extreamly open. 

I'm not going to be a push over anymore, no more running after people. It's time for them to chase me. I focus so much on other people most of the time and you know what I've put up with so much shit. I'm fed up. Most people don't respect me at all because i just let them off with things and forgive too easily.

I don't even know why i'm so angry.. There's only a few folk i would love to smash in the face but none are around so. You can't be bothered with me? why should i be bothered with you. I've made the effort year in year out.

When you’re watching me slowly taking off your top so I can see the curve of your boy, your skin it drives me crazy. It’s the little pause that just lets me realize how fast my heart is thudding away and I do my best not to put my hands on your hips and pull you closer. I love craving you so badly I can hardly keep my hands off you. Then when you climb onto my lap and kiss me it makes me head spin. 

Any control just goes.

Right now you’re driving me totally crazy and you’re asleep but I can’t wait to be there with you again. I've been thinking about you all day and i wish you where here, with me right now in our bed. Lying with me. I don't mind if we can't do anything more than just run our hands over each others skin and kiss until we fall asleep. I just want you. To be lost in your body and the way you make me feel. 

I miss you

Come home?

I just want to go to sleep and not have to wake up. Sick to my gut of feeling like this, crying all the fucking time. I don't want to be back here i fought so hard to get out.  I can't do it anymore. But i can. I should just leave, go some place where i can't let this effect anyone. I know it will though
 They don't need me. But i wish they would

No stop.. WHY CAN'T I FUCKING LISTEN people are telling me they care but it just won't stick. It won't. Idiot. Pushing everyone away, always do. I need to sort myself out but i don't know how.

I miss just having an all day conversation with you even when we aren't together. I'm always such a big one with communicating and it's not always possible. I think in some respects we have forgotten how good just chatting away to each other can be in the buzz of having to run about all day doing bits and bobs. I know when we can again though it will just be really nice, it's sometimes just the little things. When we are apart she is up there in my head some place even when i'm busy. Personally i feel that it would be unproductive to have the things that make you happy there all the time because then you would never really appreciate them fully. From big things to the little ones.

It's important to be afraid of losing the things that you love as well, it makes you realize what you have now, not later or tomorrow but now. People are fragile and every day when you can wake up and say that you have someone to love, people who love you and no pain in your chest is a god damn gift. 

If you don't appreciated all that you have? well at some point you will get a shock, a wake up call. Some one dies, an accident, big change. The things, people or life you have taken for granted they are gone. Then your whole world just collapses and there's not a thing you can do to turn back time, so you have to sit knowing that all the things you could have show appreciation for. They are gone. What's left? you and your guilt. Been there, done that and I've got the T-shirt. 

You think it won't happen to you? Think again.

 The saying "you never know what you have until it's gone" it's going to mean a lot because you lost the things that mattered. 

I'll never be able to get rid of the fact i didn't say goodbye, i didn't tell her how much i loved her - showed how much i cared. The cancer killed her faster than i could make myself realize the time to speak was right now... It was too late, she was already gone before i realized there where so many things i wanted her to know. I will not let that happen again.

Wheres the effort? 

Why can no one be bothered with each other now. It gets to me so much, if you are a friend then you're a friend for a life. For fuck sake. If you can't be bothered to even write a short reply then why should i bother about you? but i still do regardless because i actually give a shit. You tell me every time you do this that you're sorry but then you do it again and again kirsty?!

It's not going to make an impact but maybe it's just important to do these things. To show people as much compassion as you can even when they give you nothing.

Maybe that's not fair, probably just frustrated today. It seems like i'm getting no where with things, i'm just about to post four applications for places that are probably not even going to bother to contact me. Keep a positive frame of mind until then. 

I guess most things are just dependent on if you believe you can do them or not.

Fucking RUN kirsty.

I need to go somewhere now, like right now or i'm going to explode. 

Right now

I want to come and get you and get on a train anywhere, Glasgow/Edinburgh/Aberdeen i don't care lets just go. We will blow a load of cash in the gay clubs/clubs and just forget everything for a night. I'll find us a hotel. Right now it feels like my skin is burning up i just want to go, come with me? 

                                                        Rip away our clothes. 

To forget and let go of everything.

Shit 

I want you underneath my finger tips

your lips on mine

No space between us, no one else.

No thinking.

I want you so badly.

I'm so fucking addicted to you damn it. 

Waste of space. Total waste of space and i need to pull myself out of the situation. Hopefully i will be in the shop as soon as i can, get my CV out and just get back on track. I really have no idea. Don't deserve the amazing things i've got. My girlfriend, my family and friends. Want to knock some sense into myself out.

             Lets go back here someday?

              I miss you, most every day.

                             

My heart would die with yours

This is the last thing i expected..

I talk way too much shut me up?

I know i'm quite clingy, i would probably cuddle you all the time if i could. I know that probably gets wearing because then when you just want some space i get offended. Well tuff, i need to learn so push me back, slap me. This is all still new so i think maybe i tend to get greedy if you know what i mean? 

I do get quite jealous a lot and there is no excuse. I hope you know that i do trust you, that i know it's me you want or you wouldn't be with me. I hate it because you always say sorry but it's not your fault it's mine. I struggle with it to be honest because it's damage that was done before i even knew you but you're having to put up with me being like this. It's still a lovely shock when you tell me things like "my wish came true three months and six days ago" because you want me. Me? I can make you happy.. that's something that is so new. I never thought i could have. You. Makes me smile

we have our little grumps and frustrated moments with each other don't we? I'm glad because if you can see me at my worst - when i get jealous or clingy, when i get too easily offended - and still love me like this then i'm even luckier. These things seem such a tiny part of us though. 

I love you. 

I'm sorry.

Thankyou for putting up with me..
I don't need to wish for anything anymore.

It's been three months and ten days now..i couldn't ask for anything better.
You make me so ridiculously happy. 

                            You treat my family like there your family..

  You help me mess up my bed and leave it to remind me for days after.

                              You sit in the fire place and watch the fire every time you're home, looking all kinds of beautiful. 

      I love you

We have been friend for nearly eighteen years. 

We played together and have grown up together... now she has a beautiful baby boy. 

I was just standing holding the little piece of eilidh in my arms, i guess it's always nice to remember how much you love the people that have always been in your life. This girl is amazing, she is so determined to do her best how ever tired or ill she is. 

Eilidh, you're a wonderful human bean my love. I will always have a space for you where ever i am, and callun of course. You're one of those friends who i know im going to love like this forever. 

She's my electric girl..

If i could be with you now? I would turn the lights out so we could only make out the outlines of each others bodies, wrap my arms around your waist and hold you close to me. Holding off for a while then hover my lips close to yours so that they brush occasionally, run them along your collar bone to your neck, and kiss you. 

This is why people go kirsty.. it's my fault every time. It's me even though it looks like them. It's always been me thats the problem. 

I'm sick of you fighting. Just GET ON FOR TWO FUCKING SECONDS. Your driving me crazy. I'm not here to be used as a middle man for you two to create more arguments. Everythings too much to ask for isn't it?

so frustrated i just want to scream. 

I'm not sure why i bother some times 

I want you so much right now

I'm tempted to just empty my bank account and give it all to one charity, the first one that comes up. 

Start again and start fresh.

 I don't need it. 

 If we could just have one minute of a day to be together,  i would wrap my arms around her waist and kiss her, first on her forehead then her lips, tell her i love her so she can hear me and see it in my eyes. If there was any time left from that i would make her a cup of tea and kiss her goodbye before we left for the day.

I'll admit sometimes after a long day it hurts knowing someone else has been able to see, and hear her voice, that they probably didn't really appreciate the attention she was giving them. Then i remember that i would rather there was someone to cuddle her if i can't be there, as long as she is happy i can always swallow it. It's not easy for either of us,no but it's just...worth it. She is more than worth waiting for, the sleepless nights missing her company. I wouldn't change us, not for anything. 

I miss you

It would just be nice to feel less like crap every day, i'm fed up of this to be honest. Every single day i will have several nose bleeds, a migrane/headache that won't go away spend all day trying not to be sick and force some food into my body. No one even gives a shit. The only person that has so much as notice is lee..he said he was worried about me. Yeah, me too bud. This can't be normal.

I'm going to find a new passion because i figure putting too much of it into people isn't always healthy is it? i mean i need my friends right now because they are always good at sorting this. They are probably going through the same thing. I was meant to see hayley today but the bus was early and i missed it. I'm going to get myself out of this funk, i will find things i enjoy and fill my days up with them. Come home phone up Natalie and tell her about the day so it will actually be good, have time to go and see her. Hell even drive to see her because i'm going to learn how to do that too

I'm not sure why but i kind of want to keep bleeding until i pass out. Sick of thinking. Not being good enough... just uggggh!! Constant pressure not to fuck everything up. So angry at myself and i don't know why. 

I'm an insecure scared mess tonight and i don't know why. Look me in the eyes like you do and tell me you love me as much, shut the niggly voices in my head up..

I though of how to describe it...

You know when you're at the beach and you sit and watch the waves, even though there is no one else there it doesn't feel lonely. It could be raining and the beach would still be a beautiful place. You look out and it just goes on forever, you're never quite sure how far the sea goes out because it's just this vast thing. Even if you're on a boat in the middle there still seems to be no end to it. It has all the fishes and animals living in it, keeps them safe. It's my favorite place in the world. Once i'm there i never want to leave it behind. 

I can see all these things when i look into my beautiful girlfriends eyes. 

Except, that she doesn't have all the fishes and animals living inside her but she does keep everyone safe, loved and cared for. 

Click me... please?

Sometimes i will sit an analyze every single choice i have ever made. Down to thinks like not being able to show Nan how much i loved her when she was still alive. Maybe, maybe now i over compensate. It's just that ever since then, when it felt like this big glass ceiling was ripped away between reality and believing that these things wouldn't ever happen, it's frightening. It is. I think if you weren't scared to lose the things you loved then maybe you should take a look at yourself and get you priorities straight. If i'm honest, i don't need to work and i don't want to. I would rather have time to take a walk with mum on her days off, spend as much free time as i could muster with Natalie. Play sport again. Do things that are good for my family instead of uggh you know. But that's not how it works is it. I try not to worry about the littlest things and see the rational side but sometimes i just want to shake people, make them realize that wasting time is silly. I can't be bothered isn't and excuse. One day, they aren't going to be there. Hell it could be today or tomorrow maybe a week from now - seriously would you really want them to dissapear without knowing how much they where loved or what they meant to you? Don't get mad at people for acting strangely, or how you think they should because it won't help anyone. Just take them how they are because it's a waste of time to be fighting or apart. I guess what i'm really trying to say is to always appreciate what you have when you have it because they world is fragile but it can be pretty damn beautiful if you can see what you have, take a step back and say...actually it's not so bad. There is always a silver lining, a bright side.

so.....

They say that you've never truly loved anything unless you love it more than you love yourself. And i do. I've never been so sure of anything in my life so far. 

I'm in love with you 

I have been for the start

I'm here for the long run because honestly? 

you're pretty much the sun to my brightside. 

I will be by your side forever.

I don't care what comes, i will fight for you even if it's against yourself. You're too incredible to lose this battle. 

Stop thinking just stop. 

Please don't leave me...

I'd quite like to be some place tonight where i couldn't reach anyone. When i get this tired and thinky i just seem to hurt people. I can't seem to explain so that it makes sense what i'm trying to say. I never mean to hurt anyone i don't.

Shut up just shut up kirsty.

I want so badly to be with you tonight, to walk to where you are and wrap you up in my arms and feel you against my body. I miss you. I miss you're hands on my skin and just kissing you until we get so carried away then go until we both are too tired. Falling asleep wrapped up in each other. I love knowing that I've  made you feel so good. Being able to touch you're gorgeous skin i love it. I love the way you're body looks how it feels. Everything. You're perfect. You're just fucking perfect and i can't wait to be back there with you. How can it be that i'm still falling for you? every time we kiss, when we are lying wrapped up in each other not giving a fuck how loud it gets. Just me and you..No more blades or pins. I can make you feel good, better. They will only scar you more. If you let me love you how you deserve to be loved maybe i can make the painful less painful.

I can't stop telling people, telling her, telling anyone who will listen how simply amazing she is. I can hardly wait to be walling down a beach with her hand in hand, letting her push me in the sea then splashing her anyways...opening my eyes and remembering she's asleep In my arms. She's so perfect. I can't even shut myself up. My head is just full of all this and I can seem to stop it. She's just everything and I'm in love with this girl. I can't help myself. reality is finally better than being asleep.



I hope in even the tiniest way she feels the same...

I need to try and stop being so soppy. I'm never really sure if people are okey with it or not. I will always be a soppy polar bear but i do need to ease up sometimes. I tend to just speak my mind regardless if people want to hear it or not, i do think first though if it could have any bad consequences for them. I need a lot of love but i like to give a lot of love as well 

Truth is I fell in love with her at the same time she was fixing all the wrongs and the pain from elli's death.

I fell in love with her all over again when I woke up and she was next to me asleep. If it was just me and her then I couldn't ask any more from life.

Let the sunshine

Come over here and i will give you my phone with out hesitation, nothing deleted nothing missing. I will let you complacently into my head and you can turn it inside out, upside down and still find nothing that i haven't told you completely truthfully. If you accuse me of lying then i'm going to get angry because it can't be based on fact just assumption. Don't assume that i'm a liar because everyone else is...i'm tired of it. Sometimes i don't see the point though people are always hiding the truth from me when i'm giving them the total opposite. There's nothing that hurts me more than being lied to, it's like being told at the same time you didn't think i deserved the truth in the first place. 

Fool me once shame on you.

Fool me twice? shame on me.

Praying that you want to stay...

I sometimes do wish i could get you pregnant because then we would have a little baby that was a little bit of me and a little bit of you. Just as long as he/she got you're eyes...

I shouldn't voice these things ever.

I don't want to be him

I know that I'm not but I'm just worried that it something I can get rid of. Being jealous I don't want it because I do trust people until I have reason not to. I work things out logically, yeah I guess I do get irrational sometimes about the things I care about the most. More than that though I'm scared I've got the short fuse and the violence from him but I don't think so it's never shown through anyway. when we were small he would get so angry with us. I remember him coming in from work one day and one of us spoke mum said not saying anything wrong and he smashed a mug through the work top. It's still broken now. mum and dad almost split when I was fifteen. He had said to her that he would rather spend time with Karen than with mum, go to coffee shops with her, text her Ect I think.. I mean me and Fiona have always known that mum and dad only stayed together for two reasons. The first for us because morally they thought it was wrong to disrupt. The second because they are too old to do the dating thing and karen is married now. Neither of them are very social..

I'm not sure why but it seemed right to tell you. Let you know that in a small way I know what you and the boys are seeing. It was in my head tonight too.

Can't stop The ceiling raining, I just want to hold her and watch her sleeping so I can unthink what I just thought/realised. She's too fragile just like everyone. Its just the thought of her not being anywhere in the world...no. I love her more than anything. I do. leave her alone please? Stop throwing horrible things.

I just saw what was going through your head last night and i'm lost for words, just wish i could wipe all these things from your memories so they didn't have to haunt you. The thought of you waking up next to me and you not being able to wake up... I know you are probably frightened after these things flashing through you're head but there is a way through i promise, kay? You can beat it. I love you.

I'm not sure why but when i'm working out i enjoy it a lot more now because it's like i know i'm doing it for you. I know through you're eyes i'm okey what ever shape i am and like wise you are always totally beautiful to me. You just push me to push myself further though with out saying a word, you make me want to train harder to be better. It just gives me a little extra rush that after a work out i've done well and i've done it for you in a way. I love it. Being able to make you happy is just amazing, i adore waking up knowing that when you wake up we are both thinking about each other. You make me so ridiculously happy and i just can't get enough of you. When you're not here i'm counting down until you will be.. i can't wait to pick you up in my arms and kiss you when you come home. Feel your skin underneath my finger tips again.

In a way there is a positive from being away from you, missing you so badly. When you come back and i see you again you will look even more beautiful than my mind would let me remember. It's like i learn your face all over again when we have been away from each other even though i know every dimple, line, freckle on it.

I really really can't wait to have to back in my arms. I want to kiss you so badly but i have just written you a letter to stem it for a while. You know what i just realised? My dream came true and i have been living it for two years now. I can't wait to see where we go i really can't. I don't care what anyone sais aslong as you're happy. iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou :) 

What can i say? she is incredible. And smart and beautiful. I can trust her and she can trust me. Even though we had been like this more or less for nearly three years i still love her more every day. When she kisses me it's like everything washes away. I wake up every day and still can't believe it, she loves me? but she does and there will never be a day that i don't want to thank what/who ever brought her to me. I love you. If i counted the times i've had dreams about marrying you then i would have lost count by now. You're my whole world and i think you are simply amazing.. i do

You can't go back but you can go forward, learn from the mistakes and fix what has gone wrong in the past. Your scars will fade, just give it time and they will i promise. The over dosing won't hurt you long term but..please before it goes too far baby do your best to cut it down.. if you can i know. I know it's not easy. As for your mum and dad, do your best with it. However hard, it will get easier. For the times when you can't do it anymore, run to me and i will put you back together.

It feels like someone has punched me repeatedly in the ribs every time i'm not too busy to think. I wish they had, i wish someone would just take offence to me and lay into my body until i pass out. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. I want to run so no one has to deal with my shit anymore.

Okey so that was ridiculously hot..

Come home...please come home. Or not home, some place home so i can sit and cuddle you. 

Fabrice said to mum when we went in to drop something off and he said " i think she needs to be forgiven for it" Thats it..that's why i can't let go of the past. Because i still think it's all my fault, no one gave me the chance to make it up to them or appolagise. Fucking nothing they just left. They didn't forgive me for my mistakes

I'm doing my best. Trying to keep on top of work and keep everyone happy. Make sure that everyone is happy and that i'm doing right by them, when i'm not at work trying to spend the time with them. I just seem to fuck things up more, the more i try the worse it gets.

I just need a cuddle.. just one then i will go back to work.

Head, please tell me what the fuck i want please?! I don't know what to do. 

This love has taken it's tole on me. 

Hmm..well thats new.
                   I can't stop smiling tonight 

I have all these things i want to show but i can't and it's like it is choking me. Wrapping itself tighter and tighter. I can't. I'm sick of hiding...why? I know that if i did, the outcome wouldn't be what i needed. I do. I know that. It doesn't stop it burning me up all the time. Ughh can i just. If i could hit myself i would to get rid of this, over and over again until i was out of it.  I have come to realize anything i dream, will always be just that. Too amazing to be true how ever much it's wanted. I'm just a freak in a place where i can watch there dreams come true because they are normal. How it's supposed to be. That's it. 

This is one of those things that you are going to have to work at, you're going to have to work at it even when you don't want to. You want to know the answer to all this is? Use your head. The effort you put into dancing, put the same into looking after yourself too. Because you're worth it...i will look after you too but you like to do these things yourself mainly. I will always look after you, sometimes without you realizing it..

I'm right here? 

It seems like i'm invisible at the moment. 

I'm tired of being ignored and pushed to the side..always coming second place to something.

There's never any time.

I went up the hill and sat on the grass facing crieff. 

You can see all the lights from there. 

I looked for your house light but i wasn't sure where it would be..

I miss you so much.

I feel like the tighter i hold,the more it's going to push you away.

I'm so fucking angry at myself.. I'm hurting her. I know I am. I just want to see you and give you a cuddle... Tell you it's not your fault.

.

If i read it over and over enough maybe it will actually do some damage instead of just feeling like it is, like there is a knife in my chest. 

I want to go and lie on a beach some place on my own and watch the stars, listen to the sea. I don't want to feel anything. Lonely, hurt, tiered..nothing. I just want to be free. It's like i'm carrying all the bad from the past, pushed away, unwanted, the fear and the death. It's on my skin and i can't get it off. I need someone to take my hand and tell me that it'll be okey.

Something safe that won't run from me. 

Stay?
I just want to be cuddled for a while, to feel safe in you're arms.
Someone come this time...

Don't you dare leave me here without you, without my sister. Without my family. When shit goes down i need you by my side, wither that is as well as a girl friend or not. I am always going to need you... Telling me everything that was on your mind it hurt you, i know it did. I'm sorry it hurt you too i wish i could have protected it from you. It was what you needed though, i needed it too. Thankyou my little penguin. Replaced? No. No one is going to replace my penguin she has a special place in my heart..the reason you felt replaced was probably because you'd pushed away silly. 

I miss you

I'm glad you're back, atleast i hope you're back. No more pushing baby? 

If feel as if i keep constantly fucking up and letting you down at the moment. With work and making you thing that i had let you go, or that you had to let go. I'm being a bint i really am. I know it seems like i'm blaming you for things but i'm not, i'm really not i just can never seem to explain with out it sounding like it. I'm too much in my own head at the moment because it's just been work work then on my own. If i start talking shit please ignore me, or you get fed up? ignore me again. To be honest i need to just stop because i reckon you might need some space just to do what you like. So that's what i will do..

Help?

I'm doing what I always do. Fucking everything up and saying things I don't mean to.

I don't care about anything else just now i just want to know that she's okey. I don't know what to do...I can't get to her if she won't let me. Maybe i just need to leave her alone..give her some space. What if somethings happend?! Help. Please, please be okey.

I love you so much and on so many different levels. If you loved me the same then we would have been the cutest couple ever but i know you don't. No one can ever replace you because i want you always to be here. You're my family, my best friend. You're just everything in one person. I'm trying to change my eyes so you can be a bit freer and not have to deal with me being a jealous twat. IF that's not what you want, you need to let me know before it's too late..

Keep looking for the sun my darling because you'll find it even if it only peeps in for a little while you will. Like today..i know it must be so fucking difficult right now. I'm begging you, if you need me please use me. 

A silly rant about nothing

I'm a good coach, i know i am because the kids respond to me. By the time they had finished one little session with me they where chatting away and opening up more having come from the other coaches where they where all glum and quiet. Funnily enough the other coaches who where much older than me pushed me out of there little huddle and treated me like a child. I'm not an in your face chatting a way kind of person so people automatically assume that you're shy and won't speak. It really bugs me. It is impossible to try and talk to people who think they are better than you, and a lot of people seem to think there higher than everyone else.

To the lady who didn't even have the decease to respond to me when i politely asked her a question and just looked at me like i was a piece of crap, I'm sad that you have clearly been wronged at some point in your life to make you think that you are in some way better than i am. I was stupidly under the impression that you where an adult. I'm sorry about that.

You don't need it. 

You're stronger than that kay? 

Even though it feels like you're head is going to explode, i know it helps it really does but sit it out and you will realize you don't need it anymore after a while. It takes time but i believe in you. 

No more scars..?

I need to know she's okey but it's like all the doors are locked and I can't get in. If I've lost her I'm not ever going to forgive myself..please don't be the case. If I've done something that's hurt her. Gah I can't even stand the thought.

Come back, please just come home baby...

 I couldn't stand losing you, not now and not ever. You're my lungs and i can't breathe without you. 

If i ever was to leave, i would be straight back in tears at your door.

I can't and further more i don't want to.

I'm no where near being ready to move on. It's like this little force that pulls me towards her and i can't escape it further more I don't want to. I'm honestly questioning if i can because right now it really doesn't feel like it at all. I thought it would be easy changing the way i felt, like with becca. That was easy...i guess i didn't truly love her. This time is different it's never felt like if one person wasn't some where anywhere on the planet, it would be utterly pointless to stay.

I love you

and i can never truly show it.

“I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it"

Cuddle me close...kiss me or something.
I just need to be close.

Don't make me explain blog.

I wish for the same thing every time

I can still do that much. It's what keeps me going some times. I know, that it would be too unbelievably good to be true but I wish anyway. I dont deserve it to come true. Wake up in the morning and my pillow is soaking and I can't remember when I fell asleep.

Today's no different.

It's no secret, i miss you. I was daydreaming today when i was polishing glasses and i imagen if you just walked through the door, i ran up and hugged you and i cried on your shoulder. In fact we both did..was just happy to see you smiling at me. Then lee came and ordered me to clear a table and it was gone, had to pretend to get a drink so i could compose myself.

I love you, i'm so sorry i couldn't be there last night or today..i know it must be harder on you baby. 

I miss you

A very short lesson in Psychology:

• When a person laughs too much, even on stupid things, that person is sad deep inside
• When a person sleeps a lot, that person is lonely
• When a person talks less and if he talks fast, that person is keeping a secret
• When a person can’t cry, that person is weak
• When a person eats in an abnormal way, that person is in tension
• When a person cries on little things, that person is softhearted
• When someone asks about you although that someone is busy, he/she really loves you

It stung a little bit when you said you don't like it when i put my hand on your side, i didn't know it bothered you. I'm sorry. If i'm being honest i don't think your fat at all, you know how critical i am about peoples weight. To me your perfect just the way you are.

Don't let other peoples jibes scar you.

One of those secret i've never told you

You are the one person who if someone asked me "do you love her" i can say yes straight of with no hesitation. I'm yours and i have a feeling i'm always going to be yours in my mind, in all honestly i would spend the rest of my life with you. This might be the scary bit and mainly why i didn't tell you but not telling you seems worse. I think if it scares you a little bit you will probably still have wanted to know what this is and i want to tell you...

You know our plan to sit and watch the sun set one day? just me and you. It came from a dream where we got married on the beach (for some reason it's making me laugh to be write this, it seems so weird putting it into words) i could see every little detail. It was the first time you had ever seen me cry because it was just such a perfect thing, you looked compleatly beautiful and it was warm and sunny on the beach. Everyone was there but it was still peaceful.

That would be scary to anyone to be fair

This place is haunted with out you

I hate how the walls close back in as soon as she leaves..

I cried when you left. I'm not even sure why, just wasn't ready for you to have to go again. 

It was a really lovely evening though. I was just glad to see you face and for a cuddling.
I love you.

Everyone is out and about in the sun and I'm going back to work. I'm earning money yes but I don't need money, I'm not even sure why I am working. Feeling a bit pushed out in a way. It doesn't matter though.

Fed up.

I watch all these old fashioned romantic programs all the time with mum. And I'm jealous of the people in them, the women can fall for the men and the men can fall in love with the women. There's nothing about a women falling for another women is there? That seems wrong to me. My own sexuality is wrong to me. I hate it and I hate the fact that I can't change it more. I don't fit, I don't fit anywhere and I thought I did. I don't. How is this fair? To make me watch every single person I've ever loved, be loved by someone else. No more I can't take anymore.

I came home and just sat in front of the big mirror. All the things that are beautiful, that I find as such on other people. There not me. I'm a strange mix of lanky and chubby. I'm not defined at all. I've desided I'm going to work ten times harder.

How ever much it hurts

Keep moving..just keep moving. 

If it ain't broke..

I feel weird, like I'm not even really here or registering anything that is going on. Lee asked me today if I was enjoying working out front and I don't even know. I'm not, not enjoying it but I'm not enjoying it..make sense? I don't know. The gals have been so distant with me lately. They don't even text or call anymore, because im away so much I try to arrange stuff on days off and they just aren't interested. I guess I just feel like at the moment I have to deal with shit myself. Work hard and get some money in the bank. When I come home do all the things that need to be done so mum and dad can have a break. When I say break however if I didn't do them they wouldn't get done. I don't mind in the slightest working it's just one of those things, like wise with the house work. I wish it didn't have to be social life or work though because I'm struggling to have both and I'm only part time. I'm not really dealing with this am I? Burying my head in the sand hoping things will change soon. I'm happy just now, I am, but I know it's because I'm not facing up and dealing with things. Frankly I don't want to again. It's just one after another after another and I have to pick myself of and some how magically still have any self respect. No one gives a shit if you're sad so you just have to fix it. Every night before I go to sleep I tell myself that one day ill be able to make someone happy, that I'll be enough - even though I'm not sure I believe it anymore. It's just become this big thing that i'm always chasing.

I'm just here to listen. I don't have all the right answers, even when i talk lots it's to either get you to talk more about whats in your head or to say something that might just help. I can't listen if no one wants to talk though. I just want to make you feel better.

I'm already fucked up and more or less completely broken. There's no use it hurting her too.

If you can be, be happy with who ever your heart tells you is right. Make sure they keep it safe and give you all the love and care you deserve. Don't do anything that isn't you just to please them. You're perfect as you are. You were a beautiful dream.. You really where.

I am really hoping that one day maybe someone will love me on a level that we can be together. Right now i know that's not going to happen because i reek of desperation. I might as well write 'please love me' across my face and be done with it. I'm not in a place to see anyone else yet, not at all. I don't even know how to begin fixing myself. I have to accept that there's nothing else i can do to win her heart and be done with it. I hate boys, they can have all the incredible, beautiful girls. They don't even treat girls as they deserve from the things i hear most every day. This whole lesbian thing is getting old. What's the worth in being able to love people when i only hurt them because they can't feel the same? Further more where's the worth in getting abuse most days when I've never so much as kissed a girl.

Maybe i should get a kitten or something. No one else will let me love them so i guess it's the next best thing right? Chances are the kitten probably wouldn't love me and devour me in my sleep. Just saying. Even if it didn't i guess i wouldn't have to sleep on my own.

I'm stable and mentally sound...yes.

Someone please tell me what they need from me? 

I'm tiered of being unsure of myself, if i should be worried about certain things or if i should just chill out because everything is fine. The little voice at the back of my head wittering on that soon it will all be gone, that it will be my fault. I think part of the problem is that i'm constantly just speaking my mind, i need to shut up and wait for people to come to me with there's. I'm giving to much away? or too little? Or maybe it's enough. I don't know. I don't know what anyone wants. Please someone just tell me. 

I was looking forward to coming home but now mum and dad have just left the room. It's okey, i'll just sit and eat my tea on my own. You can ignore me when i ask you how your days where, it's not like i spent all of my break from work cleaning the bathroom so you and mum didn't have to face it in the morning. At least the dogs where happy i came home. 

I wounder what it takes to be appreciated because i'm clearly not doing something right. 

Half of my hearts got a grip of the situation.

Half of my heart takes time.

I love you in a completely different way to anyone else. 

You saved my life, and i saved yours. 

We have talked, laugh, cried gone through deaths and break ups. 

You accepted me for how i am even though you don't fully understand the whole gay thing.

Even if we haven't talked for months then we still have the same connection that we always have.

 If i knew that you weren't here anymore then it really would be awful. 

I'm glad you're happy kirsty i really am.

You're a beautiful, strange and stupidly smart.

I love you! 

I can get my heart rate pretty high when i do sprints. When i get home i like to sit and listen to it thud away quite happily. There is only one other thing i've noticed that has the same effect. That's a secret in itself.
(for the record it isn't dirty so wipe your filthy filthy mind)

A dirty little secret

I was at a party one night and there was a big group of guys, I got talking to Roddy who just happened to be plying me with beers. We sat down for a chat and he went in for the kill, it was only a short kiss because we got interrupted but my god he was good. I remember him saying " i would take you back to my flat if i could drive..but i'm a cunt so i can't". He was a cutie and we did click but it fizzled out i think he may have found out about this next bit. I didn't deserve him though because i did  lip service his friend. 

A guy called greg came up to me after i had been talking to cally and said "I've been waiting to talk to you all night" so we went for a walk. Innocent enough then? No. We where walking up the hill and talking, i thought it was all pretty innocent. Nope. I was drinking a beer at the time and he had just asked me what i thought of being spontaneous, so i said bit of both. He grabs the beer out of my hands throws it away and goes " here's for being spontaneous" and starts kissing me. Cheesy as fuck. He wanted sex but i turned him down, on top of a hill? seriously? It was freezing! Here comes the cringey part, he had a hard on all the way up the hill and lets just say he needed a hand to get it down. As i was incredibly drunk by now it seemed like a good idea. He was a noisy one to say the least. Apparently i was the best he'd had. What can i say, i'm a dark horse. I haven't told anyone the proper story for that one. 

I still have both there numbers. It makes me cringe a little ever time i see them on my contact list.

Ladies and gentlemen, you don't know what your missing that's all i will say.

Class of 2012
I didn't think it would all finish so quickly

I'm scared that i'm silencing you in some way. Be free to say what you want or need to.
 Don't worry about anyone else.

I sometimes wounder where the limit is to what i would do to win someones heart.
I have some to the conclusion that there isn't really one.
If i love them, it follows i'm going to do anything. The sky is the limit.  

Anything I've made work it's been from me. The only person who has pushed me to get higher is Mrs steel. My parents? sure they will always drop me off some where, dad would take me to inverness at the weekends but they don't talk about these things, they don't push me with anything. Most of the time they are so disinterested. When me and eilidh used to play concerts they would never come, they have never even seen me play. I think i deserve to be proud of myself for what iv'e achieved even if it isn't academic. I guess at the end of the day they are academics but i'm not. I'm going to find what i'm looking for, it might be rugby or sport or it might music. What ever it is i'm going to find it. 

I have the buzz to do it.

Two wishes

The first

 For your mum and dad to set you free a little bit. Let you make your own mistakes, let you go out and break curfews. Take a big walk to clear your head. To give you the credit you deserve for all the work you put in, at dancing and at school. 

Second

 Is to go to the beach and sit to watch the waves, the birds. Set up a little fire and keep cosy. I just want remember what it's like to be completely alone so i appreciate even more all the things i have. My friends, my family. Everyone. 

The nightmares are back. You know what it's his fault because he has to wind me up, do it right in my face. This is why we aren't friends anymore...you always have to try take the things that are most important. Back off.

I was off to bed and I noticed that one of my letters had come down off the wall but It was just one sheet from the middle. Course I sat and read it. Made me cry all over again.

I'm so lucky. I really am.

Being jealous is possibly the worst thing. I hate it with a passion.

Truth is

I wish you where here. Then again I always do, every night without fail. Falling asleep next to you is one of those things I can't describe - it's just like being in a bubble. When you're beside me nothing can touch us.

Please stay...

Everything is going to be just fine..

It's not goodbye, it's the Friday before the long weekend. 

I'll see you on monday.

I'm right here, i always will be.

I'm not leaving you....i'm leaving the place.

I love you

I like to leave the future to be copied down bit by bit. I don't plan ahead much and i try not to keep copying and pasting the past. Along as there is one thing you can depend on what ever happens it's okey. A little chunk of normal. It's frightening, yet a little bit exiting that one day i could be in a completely different place with completely different people around me. I can't escape the feeling that where ever i am and what ever i end up doing that you're always going to be a part of me. That i don't mind one bit that, that is the case. 

When i say things i mean them 100%

I'll tell you straight.

 If i make promises, say i'll do something. 

I'll do it. 

If i complement you i'm not looking for attention or favor.

Just taking the words from my head and showing you the thought instead of keeping it a secret.

The most valuable thing i have learned is that honesty is everything. Taking a risk and telling people the truth, how you really feel, it's worth it.

I haven't started driving yet partly because i'm scared that i'll hit someone. That if i ever have people in the car with me when i'm driving that i'll make a mistake and lose them. How can anyone forgive themselves for something like that? You can't how could you.

You can be careful as you like but the chance that something is going to happen is always there. Always always there.

"i don't want help"

I'm glad you told me this actually now i can see that you want to deal with shit yourself, i understand now.  I don't need to help in that case but i will continue to love my penguin because sometimes that is the best thing to be done :)

Bitch please...know that i now understand!

I'm the split of him am i?

I like a good banter, and i can take a bit of a beating because we all do it to each other. Just as i had built up a tiny but of self confidence they have to make properly nasty jokes. I'm seriously considering doing something with my nose ...i wasn't before but i am now again.  

No one could love you more than I do.

Having to watch every single person i have ever genuinely cared for, go to someone else.

What can i take from that to make it seem like i'm worth anything at all?

Nothing.

It's okey, i don't see why anyone would want me now either. I really don't.

I'm Always just nearly there and i believe, i wait and i put my all in. I do try to hard i always do because it would be worth the effort. Then comes the conversation or a new boyfriend/girlfriend. Takes it all. They just never want me. What ever i do, it's never going to be enough is it.

I'm never going to be able to make someone happy.

Man up Kirsty, just man up and deal with it. My fault. So angry..at myself. Stop giving your heart to people that don't want it. They. Don't. Want. It.

I'm not sure i can do this.

I mean i have to but i really don't know how. 

The only thing i truly know is that i can't walk away, my ticker won't let me. 

It only wants one thing...no one else by the looks of things.

I need to stop looking at pictures of couples of tumblr

It makes me the kind of sad that no one can really fix. 

Wishing that they could has never got me any where but it seems the only thing i can do so i will. 

Someone asked me why i'm still trying so hard...In all honest it's because i can't let go of the belief that maybe someone loves me a little more than they should. Because i love you. Because what ever side of the coin you look at you're still ridiculously important. Because i can't breathe without you. Every night i remind myself of reality, let it burn me up, let it rain. Then wake up in the morning and i can't be happy just for the way things are right now.

Ice ice baby.

I'm only running away from thinking about the future because i'm scared shitless. I don't want things to change, i don't want to leave behind seeing her everyday. I don't want to grow up.

All things i can do nothing to change and i hate it.

This secret is for you Penguin.

"Sometimes you can hurt yourself more than anyone can hurt you just by keeping all your feelings hidden."


<3

 

I hear you old man. 

I've never felt like I'm good enough for anyone...

When people tell me the kind of truth that usually you wouldn't want to hear...like you're crule. You've done somthing wrong. You're unatural. It just agrees with what I tell myself..it a comfort in a way.

Not enough.
Never enough.
Never will be.

I can sleep tonight knowing hand on heart that i do appreciate them, things and life.

I'm in a constant conflict with my thoughts.

 Is it my fault? Then that will lead to thinking about what i could have done - listing it off. Trying to make sense. I will be sure to go over every single thing in my head to make sure i didn't miss a little thing that could have been hurtful. On the other hand what if it's nothing to do with me? What if it will seem like i think the world revolves around me. THEN comes the...but what if it is? i don't want to be ignorant to the fact that i have - if i have. I Make plans of how i can make it up to them. What i can do to show them i'm sorry if it's something cruel or unkind. Thoughtless maybe. 

I wrote kirsty a letter once, she hadn't spoken in almost a week and i was worried. I wrote a letter at one in the morning, went out and posted it. It was a silly idea because what good would a letter be if she wasn't okey? When it comes to things like that i just don't know what to do.