I was off to bed and I noticed that one of my letters had come down off the wall but It was just one sheet from the middle. Course I sat and read it. Made me cry all over again.

I'm so lucky. I really am.

Being jealous is possibly the worst thing. I hate it with a passion.

Truth is

I wish you where here. Then again I always do, every night without fail. Falling asleep next to you is one of those things I can't describe - it's just like being in a bubble. When you're beside me nothing can touch us.

Please stay...

Everything is going to be just fine..

It's not goodbye, it's the Friday before the long weekend. 

I'll see you on monday.

I'm right here, i always will be.

I'm not leaving you....i'm leaving the place.

I love you

I like to leave the future to be copied down bit by bit. I don't plan ahead much and i try not to keep copying and pasting the past. Along as there is one thing you can depend on what ever happens it's okey. A little chunk of normal. It's frightening, yet a little bit exiting that one day i could be in a completely different place with completely different people around me. I can't escape the feeling that where ever i am and what ever i end up doing that you're always going to be a part of me. That i don't mind one bit that, that is the case. 

When i say things i mean them 100%

I'll tell you straight.

 If i make promises, say i'll do something. 

I'll do it. 

If i complement you i'm not looking for attention or favor.

Just taking the words from my head and showing you the thought instead of keeping it a secret.

The most valuable thing i have learned is that honesty is everything. Taking a risk and telling people the truth, how you really feel, it's worth it.

I haven't started driving yet partly because i'm scared that i'll hit someone. That if i ever have people in the car with me when i'm driving that i'll make a mistake and lose them. How can anyone forgive themselves for something like that? You can't how could you.

You can be careful as you like but the chance that something is going to happen is always there. Always always there.

"i don't want help"

I'm glad you told me this actually now i can see that you want to deal with shit yourself, i understand now.  I don't need to help in that case but i will continue to love my penguin because sometimes that is the best thing to be done :)

Bitch please...know that i now understand!

I'm the split of him am i?

I like a good banter, and i can take a bit of a beating because we all do it to each other. Just as i had built up a tiny but of self confidence they have to make properly nasty jokes. I'm seriously considering doing something with my nose ...i wasn't before but i am now again.  

No one could love you more than I do.

Having to watch every single person i have ever genuinely cared for, go to someone else.

What can i take from that to make it seem like i'm worth anything at all?

Nothing.

It's okey, i don't see why anyone would want me now either. I really don't.

I'm Always just nearly there and i believe, i wait and i put my all in. I do try to hard i always do because it would be worth the effort. Then comes the conversation or a new boyfriend/girlfriend. Takes it all. They just never want me. What ever i do, it's never going to be enough is it.

I'm never going to be able to make someone happy.

Man up Kirsty, just man up and deal with it. My fault. So angry..at myself. Stop giving your heart to people that don't want it. They. Don't. Want. It.

I'm not sure i can do this.

I mean i have to but i really don't know how. 

The only thing i truly know is that i can't walk away, my ticker won't let me. 

It only wants one thing...no one else by the looks of things.

I need to stop looking at pictures of couples of tumblr

It makes me the kind of sad that no one can really fix. 

Wishing that they could has never got me any where but it seems the only thing i can do so i will. 

Someone asked me why i'm still trying so hard...In all honest it's because i can't let go of the belief that maybe someone loves me a little more than they should. Because i love you. Because what ever side of the coin you look at you're still ridiculously important. Because i can't breathe without you. Every night i remind myself of reality, let it burn me up, let it rain. Then wake up in the morning and i can't be happy just for the way things are right now.

Ice ice baby.

I'm only running away from thinking about the future because i'm scared shitless. I don't want things to change, i don't want to leave behind seeing her everyday. I don't want to grow up.

All things i can do nothing to change and i hate it.

This secret is for you Penguin.

"Sometimes you can hurt yourself more than anyone can hurt you just by keeping all your feelings hidden."


<3

 

I hear you old man. 

I've never felt like I'm good enough for anyone...

When people tell me the kind of truth that usually you wouldn't want to hear...like you're crule. You've done somthing wrong. You're unatural. It just agrees with what I tell myself..it a comfort in a way.

Not enough.
Never enough.
Never will be.

I can sleep tonight knowing hand on heart that i do appreciate them, things and life.

I'm in a constant conflict with my thoughts.

 Is it my fault? Then that will lead to thinking about what i could have done - listing it off. Trying to make sense. I will be sure to go over every single thing in my head to make sure i didn't miss a little thing that could have been hurtful. On the other hand what if it's nothing to do with me? What if it will seem like i think the world revolves around me. THEN comes the...but what if it is? i don't want to be ignorant to the fact that i have - if i have. I Make plans of how i can make it up to them. What i can do to show them i'm sorry if it's something cruel or unkind. Thoughtless maybe. 

I wrote kirsty a letter once, she hadn't spoken in almost a week and i was worried. I wrote a letter at one in the morning, went out and posted it. It was a silly idea because what good would a letter be if she wasn't okey? When it comes to things like that i just don't know what to do.

Keep you forever!

My legs are burning up from all the cycling but i don't care...

Now my quest is completed i'm a happy gal. Happy, tired and very thankful to have the people in my life that i do. Even though i'm a bit of an over doing it type i have never put that much effort into a little surprise...

They should increase my medication surely.

I can't do this anymore. 

I hate being on my own.

I'm just lost.

At night when everyone is asleep, I get ready for bed and I'll lie there and remind myself of all the things I put off because I don't want to hear it. Dreams that I have. One dream in particular. Untill it hurts and I'm not being ignorant to these things. If I'm ignorant to them then I will hurt them, will hurt her. Push myself to the edge and wake up in the morning with a salty face and my pillow soaked through. It will be worth it. I can't hurt them. I'm not going to be part of the problem and let my dream of what I want...what I want most in the world..it can't ever come true. I won't let it...how ever much I want it's selfish and unfair to want it. Stop. I can only blame myself as it is soley my fault. My fault. My heart. My dream.
It's better this way. It is. It will be. I don't want to hurt anyone.
I wouldn't change any of this. It's like there's a kind of purpose hurting for someone you care so much. There is..that's why I don't care about the hurt. Because i love her and that out weighs anything else.
No one understands that but I don't care...

I'm only human. I make mistakes, i can't always automatically know what everyone needs what they want. If i need to stay or leave or give them something. I don't know, but i'm tiered. My head is pounding for the third day in the row and i can't sleep properly. You know what? No i can't handle today but i have to stick it out because i know that maybe tomorrow will be better. It's like every time i get up something knocks me back down and it's not because i have consumed mass amounts of vodka. I don't know if people are telling me the truth or lieing or WHAT?! what is everyone expecting me to do. I'm trying to get it right. I just need to keep trying. I can't keep running if no one is going to run with me. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pL_fd14HaaI

They say that you can tell what someone is thinking by what song they are listening to. That is true, Tommy Reilly - gimme a call. That all.
<3

I keep getting this really sharp pain in my head every time i get stressed or worked up. I thought it was just a one time thing but it goes down to my ear and it really bloody hurt..i think i might go and get it checked out just to be on the safe side.

When people start shutting me out my gut feeling is to just run as far away from that situation as i can. Every time i have encountered it, the end result has been that i get hurt and they are totally fine. I guess that's not such a bad thing if i make people push me away so much that they end up better off for it. There's no use two people hurting when one will do. That is the bright side to the situation. It doesn't mean i don't hate it, i can spot the gradual signs now that someone is going to ditch you. First it's when you ask them if they want to meet up the excuses come thick and fast. Then it's when the texts get further and further apart. Then they stop replying to email/comments/ things they used to spend hours writing but now it's a two word reply. Then eventually when they had wanted to cuddle you every day they will keep a distance. That's when you know they are gone. What happens if you see all the little bits and read it the wrong way?! 

I don't know. I wish things didn't have to be complex. That i wasn't always wondering if people where telling me the truth or just covering up to space feelings. That she wasn't texting him all the times when there is a long silence.Relationships of any kind take effort. You have to continue to keep putting effort in for you both to be happy. If you love me, please i will ask you this one thing don't push me away. IF you want me in your life then you will have to make it clear. I'm sorry it's that way but i can't change that. Without meaning to i will shut you out too if i think you're going to do it to me. It's like protection.

I don't understand why people don't just say how they feel.

I sometimes wounder if anyone really cares about anything other than themselves. Kirsty told me a few weeks back that you had to be a selfish bitch to get where you wanted to be..well maybe that's true but i would rather get no where than tread of other people to get there. To me loving someone properly is putting them before yourself at every turn, loving them more than you love yourself. 

I keep having the same dream and i can't even describe what it feels like but it's awful. I can't say because i say then it might come true, if it comes true i'm not even sure i want to be breathing when it does. 

I don't want to see.

please don't come true.

I hate it when other people call me by the nicknames i have with someone. It really bugs me for no apparent reason. 

I've lost my heart

I can't lose my best friend, my family as well.

How can one person be so many things? 

My friends are telling me to run but i'm not leaving, I don't care if it hurts she is like my sister at the end of the day in so many ways. If she needs me to go i will because i won't stay where i'm not wanted.