I miss you

A very short lesson in Psychology:

• When a person laughs too much, even on stupid things, that person is sad deep inside
• When a person sleeps a lot, that person is lonely
• When a person talks less and if he talks fast, that person is keeping a secret
• When a person can’t cry, that person is weak
• When a person eats in an abnormal way, that person is in tension
• When a person cries on little things, that person is softhearted
• When someone asks about you although that someone is busy, he/she really loves you

It stung a little bit when you said you don't like it when i put my hand on your side, i didn't know it bothered you. I'm sorry. If i'm being honest i don't think your fat at all, you know how critical i am about peoples weight. To me your perfect just the way you are.

Don't let other peoples jibes scar you.

One of those secret i've never told you

You are the one person who if someone asked me "do you love her" i can say yes straight of with no hesitation. I'm yours and i have a feeling i'm always going to be yours in my mind, in all honestly i would spend the rest of my life with you. This might be the scary bit and mainly why i didn't tell you but not telling you seems worse. I think if it scares you a little bit you will probably still have wanted to know what this is and i want to tell you...

You know our plan to sit and watch the sun set one day? just me and you. It came from a dream where we got married on the beach (for some reason it's making me laugh to be write this, it seems so weird putting it into words) i could see every little detail. It was the first time you had ever seen me cry because it was just such a perfect thing, you looked compleatly beautiful and it was warm and sunny on the beach. Everyone was there but it was still peaceful.

That would be scary to anyone to be fair

This place is haunted with out you

I hate how the walls close back in as soon as she leaves..

I cried when you left. I'm not even sure why, just wasn't ready for you to have to go again. 

It was a really lovely evening though. I was just glad to see you face and for a cuddling.
I love you.

Everyone is out and about in the sun and I'm going back to work. I'm earning money yes but I don't need money, I'm not even sure why I am working. Feeling a bit pushed out in a way. It doesn't matter though.

Fed up.

I watch all these old fashioned romantic programs all the time with mum. And I'm jealous of the people in them, the women can fall for the men and the men can fall in love with the women. There's nothing about a women falling for another women is there? That seems wrong to me. My own sexuality is wrong to me. I hate it and I hate the fact that I can't change it more. I don't fit, I don't fit anywhere and I thought I did. I don't. How is this fair? To make me watch every single person I've ever loved, be loved by someone else. No more I can't take anymore.

I came home and just sat in front of the big mirror. All the things that are beautiful, that I find as such on other people. There not me. I'm a strange mix of lanky and chubby. I'm not defined at all. I've desided I'm going to work ten times harder.

How ever much it hurts

Keep moving..just keep moving. 

If it ain't broke..

I feel weird, like I'm not even really here or registering anything that is going on. Lee asked me today if I was enjoying working out front and I don't even know. I'm not, not enjoying it but I'm not enjoying it..make sense? I don't know. The gals have been so distant with me lately. They don't even text or call anymore, because im away so much I try to arrange stuff on days off and they just aren't interested. I guess I just feel like at the moment I have to deal with shit myself. Work hard and get some money in the bank. When I come home do all the things that need to be done so mum and dad can have a break. When I say break however if I didn't do them they wouldn't get done. I don't mind in the slightest working it's just one of those things, like wise with the house work. I wish it didn't have to be social life or work though because I'm struggling to have both and I'm only part time. I'm not really dealing with this am I? Burying my head in the sand hoping things will change soon. I'm happy just now, I am, but I know it's because I'm not facing up and dealing with things. Frankly I don't want to again. It's just one after another after another and I have to pick myself of and some how magically still have any self respect. No one gives a shit if you're sad so you just have to fix it. Every night before I go to sleep I tell myself that one day ill be able to make someone happy, that I'll be enough - even though I'm not sure I believe it anymore. It's just become this big thing that i'm always chasing.

I'm just here to listen. I don't have all the right answers, even when i talk lots it's to either get you to talk more about whats in your head or to say something that might just help. I can't listen if no one wants to talk though. I just want to make you feel better.

I'm already fucked up and more or less completely broken. There's no use it hurting her too.

If you can be, be happy with who ever your heart tells you is right. Make sure they keep it safe and give you all the love and care you deserve. Don't do anything that isn't you just to please them. You're perfect as you are. You were a beautiful dream.. You really where.

I am really hoping that one day maybe someone will love me on a level that we can be together. Right now i know that's not going to happen because i reek of desperation. I might as well write 'please love me' across my face and be done with it. I'm not in a place to see anyone else yet, not at all. I don't even know how to begin fixing myself. I have to accept that there's nothing else i can do to win her heart and be done with it. I hate boys, they can have all the incredible, beautiful girls. They don't even treat girls as they deserve from the things i hear most every day. This whole lesbian thing is getting old. What's the worth in being able to love people when i only hurt them because they can't feel the same? Further more where's the worth in getting abuse most days when I've never so much as kissed a girl.

Maybe i should get a kitten or something. No one else will let me love them so i guess it's the next best thing right? Chances are the kitten probably wouldn't love me and devour me in my sleep. Just saying. Even if it didn't i guess i wouldn't have to sleep on my own.

I'm stable and mentally sound...yes.

Someone please tell me what they need from me? 

I'm tiered of being unsure of myself, if i should be worried about certain things or if i should just chill out because everything is fine. The little voice at the back of my head wittering on that soon it will all be gone, that it will be my fault. I think part of the problem is that i'm constantly just speaking my mind, i need to shut up and wait for people to come to me with there's. I'm giving to much away? or too little? Or maybe it's enough. I don't know. I don't know what anyone wants. Please someone just tell me. 

I was looking forward to coming home but now mum and dad have just left the room. It's okey, i'll just sit and eat my tea on my own. You can ignore me when i ask you how your days where, it's not like i spent all of my break from work cleaning the bathroom so you and mum didn't have to face it in the morning. At least the dogs where happy i came home. 

I wounder what it takes to be appreciated because i'm clearly not doing something right. 

Half of my hearts got a grip of the situation.

Half of my heart takes time.

I love you in a completely different way to anyone else. 

You saved my life, and i saved yours. 

We have talked, laugh, cried gone through deaths and break ups. 

You accepted me for how i am even though you don't fully understand the whole gay thing.

Even if we haven't talked for months then we still have the same connection that we always have.

 If i knew that you weren't here anymore then it really would be awful. 

I'm glad you're happy kirsty i really am.

You're a beautiful, strange and stupidly smart.

I love you! 

I can get my heart rate pretty high when i do sprints. When i get home i like to sit and listen to it thud away quite happily. There is only one other thing i've noticed that has the same effect. That's a secret in itself.
(for the record it isn't dirty so wipe your filthy filthy mind)

A dirty little secret

I was at a party one night and there was a big group of guys, I got talking to Roddy who just happened to be plying me with beers. We sat down for a chat and he went in for the kill, it was only a short kiss because we got interrupted but my god he was good. I remember him saying " i would take you back to my flat if i could drive..but i'm a cunt so i can't". He was a cutie and we did click but it fizzled out i think he may have found out about this next bit. I didn't deserve him though because i did  lip service his friend. 

A guy called greg came up to me after i had been talking to cally and said "I've been waiting to talk to you all night" so we went for a walk. Innocent enough then? No. We where walking up the hill and talking, i thought it was all pretty innocent. Nope. I was drinking a beer at the time and he had just asked me what i thought of being spontaneous, so i said bit of both. He grabs the beer out of my hands throws it away and goes " here's for being spontaneous" and starts kissing me. Cheesy as fuck. He wanted sex but i turned him down, on top of a hill? seriously? It was freezing! Here comes the cringey part, he had a hard on all the way up the hill and lets just say he needed a hand to get it down. As i was incredibly drunk by now it seemed like a good idea. He was a noisy one to say the least. Apparently i was the best he'd had. What can i say, i'm a dark horse. I haven't told anyone the proper story for that one. 

I still have both there numbers. It makes me cringe a little ever time i see them on my contact list.

Ladies and gentlemen, you don't know what your missing that's all i will say.

Class of 2012
I didn't think it would all finish so quickly

I'm scared that i'm silencing you in some way. Be free to say what you want or need to.
 Don't worry about anyone else.

I sometimes wounder where the limit is to what i would do to win someones heart.
I have some to the conclusion that there isn't really one.
If i love them, it follows i'm going to do anything. The sky is the limit.  

Anything I've made work it's been from me. The only person who has pushed me to get higher is Mrs steel. My parents? sure they will always drop me off some where, dad would take me to inverness at the weekends but they don't talk about these things, they don't push me with anything. Most of the time they are so disinterested. When me and eilidh used to play concerts they would never come, they have never even seen me play. I think i deserve to be proud of myself for what iv'e achieved even if it isn't academic. I guess at the end of the day they are academics but i'm not. I'm going to find what i'm looking for, it might be rugby or sport or it might music. What ever it is i'm going to find it. 

I have the buzz to do it.

Two wishes

The first

 For your mum and dad to set you free a little bit. Let you make your own mistakes, let you go out and break curfews. Take a big walk to clear your head. To give you the credit you deserve for all the work you put in, at dancing and at school. 

Second

 Is to go to the beach and sit to watch the waves, the birds. Set up a little fire and keep cosy. I just want remember what it's like to be completely alone so i appreciate even more all the things i have. My friends, my family. Everyone. 

The nightmares are back. You know what it's his fault because he has to wind me up, do it right in my face. This is why we aren't friends anymore...you always have to try take the things that are most important. Back off.