When ever your sad or just like to look, i hope you look at this and it makes you smile. It made me giggle when i found it. I like the fact that i will miss you where ever i go because that means your a big part of me :) Then when it comes to home time i will be buzzing to see you my little penguin. Exited just at the prospect of coming hom and being able to see you and we haven't even left yet!

I love you alot alot and so much!

I Can Pretty Much promise that you're in my brain right now.



Just a passing thought.

I think when im older im going to get a nose job. I can hack having barley no boobs or no figure but i hate it, yes it's vain. Yes it's irrelivent but i really do hate it, i know other people do aswell.

I don't know how or why or in what way im supposed to love you but i do, like i have never loved anyone or anything before. I fucking love you kay? I can't whatch you be put in a box in the ground, not you. We are going to get out of this what ever has to be done. You are so differen't to other people in all the best ways, know i've never found someone who loves like you do. No a sod. Your too bloody brilliant to let it all come to waste. It will get better i promise you. You just have to keep going, keep dealing with this shit every day. It will. When you get to the day you will be glad, you deseve to be happy. SO MUCH. The world can fuck off and leave you alone.

I wish he would fall off the face of the fucking earth. Go anywhere other than here, just go. I don't care where or how. I hate you more than i can explain why. Stop fucking people over and just leave, take your shitty music and your twisted religous bull shit somewhere else. I can't stand seeing him every day and knowing. You make me so angy i could happily knock you out, take away the mask you hide behind to make people believe you have a shred of desency.

JUST FUCK OFF!

fuck off..please.


Don't say anything just don't say anything. She doesn't need this just calm the fuck down. Right now.

The way i look at it, it doesn't matter what is going to happen just yet. Today is today and if your worrying about somthing that will happen tommorw or next week then how can you focus on the good shit thats is going on now? Im not sure how i managed to do it but taking things day to day works. I don't know what to do most of the time and somtimes it seems like im just trying to hold everything and everyone together. At the end of the day when everyone is okey..when i can say i've done the best i can for them. I can sleep. Knowing everyones safe.

I always have been and i think i always will be scared of being replaced with someone else. It's the way it has been for as long as i can remember. When someone better comes along i get pushed away and pushed out. I don't feel like anyone can judge me for being insecure. If i could change being jealous i would but it seems i can only manage it.



I don't like it but, I judge people a little bit if they don't have any rhythm, interest in music or lack the ablility to even attempt to make somthing sound good. The triangle was invented for a reason. If they can't play a musical instrament then thats okey aslong as they can at least tell if somthing is in time or out of time.

Things are going to change but i know when we need each other that we will all still be there.

Tonight

You told me about your past, i told you about mine. Then i think we both realised that we are just as messed up as each other...thats kind of brilliant. It is always really nice to hear about your past, stories about your family - about everything. Somthing this personal though, means alot that we can so easily share these things. It's like a little wall that is no longer there.

Im glad the little wall is now gone.

i love you.
Scars and all.



 Beauty and the Beast
The only Disney story i can relate to in some way. Everyone i fall for seems to be so beautiful inside and out, really delicate. I just feel like a beast, like im doing somthing wrong, Like i don't even deserve to cuddle them because i might hurt them...break them. I think maybe this is why i can find it in myself to move on because it will be better for them. When it all falls down this is what i keep reminding myself over and over untill they are free of me.



I need you to understand that i can't always be as
 loving as i would like to be, im just trying
 to get to a place where i love you like my little sister.
 I'm getting there, i think it will be a better place for us.
A better place for you.
I think that i'm always going to love you a little bit more than i should.



I can't get this image out of my head when i try to remember you, memories, anything. I want to be able to picture you doing silly things like crawling around on the floor and folding yourself up inbetween sofas because you didn't like to sit still you fool. Hitting girls twice your size with out even blinking. Cracking jokes about jade ggodie being in your bag even though it was totally irrelivent, come back please elli. We miss you. Always miss you.

                                                        



You where the first person i'd ever done somthing like that for. I can't explain what it ment to me or why but i know it ment alot. I hope you knew. I hope what ever it was i was trying to say you understood.

To me, she will always be the most beautiful dancer.

                                     
                                                                    

If you have never seen any ballet at all then it's somthing you have to go and whatch. It's amazing. I barley know anything about it apart from what nat has taught me but it doesn't seem to matter if you know all the technical bits, it's just really pretty to whatch. They work so hard to get the best out of themselfs, for so long, destroy there bodies then it seems to be worth it for the girls and guys that perform when they can get each little bit perfect. I really admire that.

Wounderfull human beans.

Every time i listen to Adele's songs i wish that i knew her stories, that we could sit and have a big chat about it all. The most painfull things are usually the most interesting stories, her song are always so heart felt. I would love to just sit and listen to what they are all about.

{I hope we get a puppy so that in the evening when everyone else has gone to bed lucy doesn't have to be on here own. I feel bad going to bed because i hate being lonely, im not sure if dogs get lonely too but i don't want her to be.}

I've always wanted to learn some form of dance. Street dance. I never have managed to pluck up the courage, every time i menchon it people laugh at me. Dancers are pretty though it's kind of given. I would never fit in.

 I love writing and reading letters.

 It means alot when someone takes the time to sit and write down anything that is in there head.

                               

I've never kissed or been kissed by someone that i've had true feelings for. I lack the courage. The only time really that i ever do get a move made on me or anything physcial is when i'm drunk. It's never out of affection it's always just lust. The little things are really underestimated...being able to just to be able to show affection like that without having to hold back and restrain yourself. Everytime i have to hold myself back it really does hurt but i can't explain in which way.

I can't tell you how much i hate that.

I wounder if i will ever know what this feels like somtimes. It sounds silly right, i'm seventeen not seventy. But what if i never do, because i don't deserve it.

Alot of people seem to think it is there right to be loved. I don't think it is really, it's more just a massive privilege. It must be the best feeling in the world.

The only reason i set my alarm for seven is so that i can wake up at the same time as you. 

Then another one for half past so when you wake up properly i can send you a good morning text.

                 

               

I have a list of idea's of things that i can do on my laptop

One of them is how i'm going to propose if i end up with a girl, which i think i most likely will. I'm not going to say incase anyone stumbles on this by chance but it would be pretty perfect.

I'm not sure anyone even thinks about these things but i somtimes sit up and night and just write down anything that comes to me. What i could do that would really make them smile, things that are simple but will hopfully mean alot. Things i could say if i wrote letters, things that would mean alot to them if i learnt or knew more about. Things that i can understand better. Places we could go and things i will make a mental note of talking them to see because they are amazing.

soooo..

I only really deal with pain by exercising or getting hurt. Rugby combines both of them. Nobody knows but thats why most girls play rugby away from a love of the sport, because they need to feel a little bit alive. Even though what happened with elli i always have wanted to be hit by a car and i can't explain it. I feel fucking awfull about it because it is being so ungreatful and treating it kind of like a joke when it's what took elli away. It's just the truth, and it's in my head a scary amount.

I can't tell you but..

I know that at night when you go quiet or say night that you'll probably just want to talk to him without me getting in the way. It hurts for clear reasons but it makes it more sore that you can't just tell me. I know that your trying not to hurt me though, but i know. It's your life though, i can't tell you how to live it and im glad that your doing what you want because if it makes you happy then good. Great infact. Just hope you get some peace from the voices.