I want you so much right now

I'm tempted to just empty my bank account and give it all to one charity, the first one that comes up. 

Start again and start fresh.

 I don't need it. 

 If we could just have one minute of a day to be together,  i would wrap my arms around her waist and kiss her, first on her forehead then her lips, tell her i love her so she can hear me and see it in my eyes. If there was any time left from that i would make her a cup of tea and kiss her goodbye before we left for the day.

I'll admit sometimes after a long day it hurts knowing someone else has been able to see, and hear her voice, that they probably didn't really appreciate the attention she was giving them. Then i remember that i would rather there was someone to cuddle her if i can't be there, as long as she is happy i can always swallow it. It's not easy for either of us,no but it's just...worth it. She is more than worth waiting for, the sleepless nights missing her company. I wouldn't change us, not for anything. 

I miss you

It would just be nice to feel less like crap every day, i'm fed up of this to be honest. Every single day i will have several nose bleeds, a migrane/headache that won't go away spend all day trying not to be sick and force some food into my body. No one even gives a shit. The only person that has so much as notice is lee..he said he was worried about me. Yeah, me too bud. This can't be normal.

I'm going to find a new passion because i figure putting too much of it into people isn't always healthy is it? i mean i need my friends right now because they are always good at sorting this. They are probably going through the same thing. I was meant to see hayley today but the bus was early and i missed it. I'm going to get myself out of this funk, i will find things i enjoy and fill my days up with them. Come home phone up Natalie and tell her about the day so it will actually be good, have time to go and see her. Hell even drive to see her because i'm going to learn how to do that too

I'm not sure why but i kind of want to keep bleeding until i pass out. Sick of thinking. Not being good enough... just uggggh!! Constant pressure not to fuck everything up. So angry at myself and i don't know why. 

I'm an insecure scared mess tonight and i don't know why. Look me in the eyes like you do and tell me you love me as much, shut the niggly voices in my head up..

I though of how to describe it...

You know when you're at the beach and you sit and watch the waves, even though there is no one else there it doesn't feel lonely. It could be raining and the beach would still be a beautiful place. You look out and it just goes on forever, you're never quite sure how far the sea goes out because it's just this vast thing. Even if you're on a boat in the middle there still seems to be no end to it. It has all the fishes and animals living in it, keeps them safe. It's my favorite place in the world. Once i'm there i never want to leave it behind. 

I can see all these things when i look into my beautiful girlfriends eyes. 

Except, that she doesn't have all the fishes and animals living inside her but she does keep everyone safe, loved and cared for. 

Click me... please?

Sometimes i will sit an analyze every single choice i have ever made. Down to thinks like not being able to show Nan how much i loved her when she was still alive. Maybe, maybe now i over compensate. It's just that ever since then, when it felt like this big glass ceiling was ripped away between reality and believing that these things wouldn't ever happen, it's frightening. It is. I think if you weren't scared to lose the things you loved then maybe you should take a look at yourself and get you priorities straight. If i'm honest, i don't need to work and i don't want to. I would rather have time to take a walk with mum on her days off, spend as much free time as i could muster with Natalie. Play sport again. Do things that are good for my family instead of uggh you know. But that's not how it works is it. I try not to worry about the littlest things and see the rational side but sometimes i just want to shake people, make them realize that wasting time is silly. I can't be bothered isn't and excuse. One day, they aren't going to be there. Hell it could be today or tomorrow maybe a week from now - seriously would you really want them to dissapear without knowing how much they where loved or what they meant to you? Don't get mad at people for acting strangely, or how you think they should because it won't help anyone. Just take them how they are because it's a waste of time to be fighting or apart. I guess what i'm really trying to say is to always appreciate what you have when you have it because they world is fragile but it can be pretty damn beautiful if you can see what you have, take a step back and say...actually it's not so bad. There is always a silver lining, a bright side.

so.....

They say that you've never truly loved anything unless you love it more than you love yourself. And i do. I've never been so sure of anything in my life so far. 

I'm in love with you 

I have been for the start

I'm here for the long run because honestly? 

you're pretty much the sun to my brightside. 

I will be by your side forever.

I don't care what comes, i will fight for you even if it's against yourself. You're too incredible to lose this battle. 

Stop thinking just stop. 

Please don't leave me...

I'd quite like to be some place tonight where i couldn't reach anyone. When i get this tired and thinky i just seem to hurt people. I can't seem to explain so that it makes sense what i'm trying to say. I never mean to hurt anyone i don't.

Shut up just shut up kirsty.