Leave me alone i'm lonely.

I went for a run and ended up just walking and thinking. I'm so angry at myself, i ditched my phone and just left it for hours. I was hoping when i came back someone would have at least noticed i had gone, until i realized that was stupid. Just wanted someone to want to talk to me enough to notice i had gone. I know thats fucking stupid. I just wanted to keep walking until i got somewhere really far away, see if anyone followed or just let me go. 

I don't want to be let go.

I don't know whats wrong with me.

Coming to terms with the fact people would be genuinely better without me so maybe i should just leave. I just hold them back. I don't want to be back here but it can't be helped!

Let it go. Just let it go before you muck everything up.

For everyone.

It will take all the light from my world and break my heart along with it.

Whatch and do nothing.

Maybe it's time to let go of the dream and just break myself before anyone else can

I can't chase away your nightmares if you don't show me where they are hiding.

I REALLY wish that i didn't get jealous so easily

It isn't really suprising though, not really. Nobody has ever made me feel secure in the fact that there isn't someone better because there always is. More attractive, better.

I just want to be enough.

Thats new...

I'm not totally sure i know where my head or my ticker is at the moment.

I'm not going to sleep untill..

I can be sure that you're okey and you won't wake up in the middle of the night after having a horrible dream. Stupid? probably but i don't want to sleep knowing that there is a possability she is in some sort of distress. Maybe just knowing someone else is up will help if it does happen.

I would never leave you hanging like this. What ever happend. How ever i was feeling.

People aren't the same though are they..Maybe this is you're way of coping. You're brain is shouting so loud you can't think straight or about anything else.

I don't know.

please let me in.

Seeing the fear in your eyes today i think is the first time i have realised that you are properly fed up of things the way they are just now. You where so tierd you could barley walk...not even. You where going to let that car hit you weren't you?

When your close to the edge and we are talking you back into staying. Helping you to hold on i will look at little natalie, the picture of your passport. Makes me cry alot every time. Knowing that even though you're so scared right now but your here is what matters. That there is still somthing that can be done, you can still keep fighting. Just the thought that you wouldn't be some where, anywhere in the world is totally terrifying. Losing anyone if hard, it feels like your whole world has just been turned upside down but eventually you work through it. You work past it. I'm not sure i could if i lost you or happened to you. I care more about you than anything, Your more than family and your more than a best friend. You mean the world to me and i don't say that lightly. If you weren't here...i wouldn't want to be either unless i had to live out your life for you. That would be the ONLY reason i could keep going.

No one can replace you.

You are a increadibly beautiful human being through and through.

It's going to get better but you have to help yourself by seeing the lights in the world. You have to look really really fucking hard but i promise you there here. They are worth all the bullshit. It will get better.

For some reason tumblr can explain my head even better than i can myself...even though it is just other peoples words writen down and pictured. This is what is mainly in my head, for the past week really. In a round about way with big gaps in. Talking genrally about one specific thing. She is my one specific thing. I wouldn't change her for the world. If someone asked one thing i would trade her for i couldn't think of a single thing i would rather have. Maybe some cheese cake...haw haw haw i'm kidding we would eat the cheese cake together.

I do believe i have finally lost my marbles...Fuck it! It was going to happen eventually.



I'm getting chubby. If i'm getting chubby on cheese cake...
i can handle it

When you ask whats up...Even if i deny it, ask again and again.

You make a shit day better just by being there..

I'm back by an hour because i missed the bus but a quick blog won't hurt. Today was pretty crappy i have to admit but i don't know, you always make it better. Help me find solutions. Just being there.  You asked me if i was okey? Yeah i am because i have you. At the end of the day thats what makes everything count.

I love you

Old habbits die hard. Right?

I'm sorry.

I'm playing hide and seek today. I want to know if anyone will come and find me if i don't come to them first...

I'm Really not sure what im waiting for yet but i feel like i'm waiting for a somthing to happen or change. I just don't know what thats somthing is going to be yet.



I just want my baby. To be okey,
 To be here next to me so we can listen to Ed sheeran and fall asleep.
Tell the world to go away, leave us alone.
More than anything - to be happy. Seeing her smile just brightens everything up.



There are going to be points in your life days/weeks/months that you are going to want to just give up. To not have to think about it anymore, you convince yourself that you can't cope because your head gets over loaded. The only way you can see of getting out is to do somthing stupid, take a boat load of pills or hurt yourself in some way. Once you have felt like this once, then you beat it that time didn't you? You got through it and even though you felt like you couldn't cope, that everything is so crap you can't see it getting better. What ever you did, you managed to get through it. Even if you come out with a few scars. Even if it seems like you are the only person in the world that feels like this, you're not. There are so many people feeling the exact same. If all those people including you hold on and make it to the next day i promise that it will start to get better. It's like anything if you work hard at it you can get through.

You have to look for the good things on the shit days. There is ALWAYS somthing if you look for it - which you should - then you will find it. That makes that day worth it, what ever has happend. It's worth it. You're worth seeing the next day.

Life is about struggling through all the shit stuff that you don't want to deal with, that makes you want to get away, to find the amazing stuff. The bad bits make the good bits amazing. When you're so sad that you can't even see for tears then keep telling yourself that it will all be worth it when your happy comes back.

No one wants to listen to my pish so i cuddled wallace and told him everything. He looked like he was listening but he didn't understand a word, thats okey he tried. I'm tierd of feeling like i've done somthing wrong all the time, properly tierd of it. I love the girls to bits, i don't mind one bit if they want to talk to me about things and take up some time everynight if they need it. It would just be nice for them to atleast listen if i wanted to chat about somthing but they don't, i'll start to say somthing and someone will turn it on themselfs so i don't see the point. If it mattered they would listen. They'll say to me "lets have life chats" then they will say everything they wanted to and get it all out of there system, i'll say somthing and it will be turned around. Is it so hard just to even pretend to listen?

( If you're reading this becca, our little bit of chat last night when you asked me if i was okey actually did mean quite alot just that you asked so thankyou gal! )

I said somthing today to hannah just as part of a joke, nothing even to do with being gay in the slightest. Somthing along the lines of "jeees stop victimising me drummond" she went "ohh don't start with your gay rights pish"  a) i have never started to you about gay rights pishh i once objected to you using the word "fag".

b) Wheres the need?

I love hannah, she is one of my best friends but i just can't hack her somtimes.

Parents? well they are supportive when they choose. Listen when they choose. They tell me to tell them about things, then when i do they either look totally uninterested or listen at the time then tell me that i haven't said anything about it a couple of days later!!

Dad atleast doesn't bitch about me behind my back, he will get violent and rage and go nuts but atleast he won't do it behind my back.

Nat listens. Always listens and puts up with my shit. Every day. However much we talk or how ever little. She is my whole world. when we are sitting together having a cuddle it's like nothing really matters anymore. All the bad things, the worries, the bitching from other people. It just goes away.
i love you, so much.

I still eat yogurts with a spoon i had when i was a baby.
Normal spoons just aren't the same to be honest.

I've never loved somthing so much and on so many levels.

 It's sounds silly but it's like i can touch it.

Somtimes i like to get my pains and pencils out, walk up to the top wood in muthill and sit on the same tree. Theres one half way into the wood that has fallen over so i can sit and pain what ever. Usually i just paint words in pictures but somtimes it's landscapes. I don't show anyone though because there is no need, maybe i will and i know who. It's the best!

So much has changed from last year.I feel like i'm free in a way becase i don't have to pretend to be someone i'm not anymore. I can talk about the people i love instead of hiding behind fake storys to cover it up. If i'm honest i have never been able to love like this before, i have never loved anyone the way i love her. She has my whole heart  and she can keep it for as long as she likes. For the first time i can wake up and know what it is to be happy because i can wake up knowing that i've got her. That the world isn't such a fucked up place.

I want to know what it's like to kiss you

I know..

 Your so sick and tierd of this.

You are really struggling just to keep waking up everyday.

I can't promise you anything only that it's going to get better.

I know you want it to stop, to be free of it.

But i know you can beat this, how ever much it beats you down and steals you light.

Please keep fighting baby.

Just keep Holding on, i'm not going to let you go.

Today was the first time i have ever been properly disgusted ever. We came into school thinking and looking for support from our peers at best to be left alone, instead we where told rumours about how people had sex in the gas chambers in Auchwitz. Not just bang out of order but people where laughing a joking about things relating to it all day. We ended up taking it to Mr Stewart and telling him everything, now we are grasses but atleast we didn't just let them continue to be just so...disgusting and out of order. All the time we still have the pictures and memories from  the camps in mind. I can't even tell you how disgusted the teachers where when we told them what had happend.