Should I be turned on by thirsty girls or terrified? a decision I'm trying to make but I'm so confused by all this female attention! Not in a bad way but need to make sure shit doesn't get heavy because I don't want to start hurting folk. No desire to BE anyones I'm fine with my freedom. Might just stick to the club/bar scean, sending me a picture of the vaj really doesn't hold the right kind of attention for long. 

Shit got completely unclassy on snap chat with some girl tonight - cracking up because all she sent was pictures of her own fanny. Being a tease turns out to be more entertaining than I thought but I got bored after two pictures so the poor girl is probably livid. Morals where compromised but impulse got the better of me.. 

The things i'd do to her right now if she was close enough to touch..

Holy shit.. new underwear needed or even better he can just leave it off all together. I'd let this guy do what ever the hell he wanted to me  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VluqUycecc0 Who knew drummers where sexy as hell, infact who knew guys where sexy as hell to me - maybe he's an exeption. 

Current mood to a T

No desire for anything other than a naked girl in my bed and not having to leave it for hours. Shove me against the wall and fuck me already. Seriously lacking, equally as much frustration aimed at wanting to get hands on..

Makes me seriously admire people who take things into there own hands, take control of there own life without the expectation that someone else will sort it out for them. 

 I'm settled in the fact that being on the receiving end of my care can't be so bad, even if it does get soppy. Fail to see that being passionate about the way I see/feel about people could be a bad thing.  Unconditionally means that it doesn't matter though, I refuse to regret it but it's left me woundering if there is such thing as mutual love. I mean i sometimes think that most of the time when I've felt anything for someone it's a kind of fate because they needed that compassion and care to help them out. Then once they no longer need it, they go, and that's why there's a revolving door of people because they aren't really supposed to stay. I don't mind that, helping someone move forward can never be a bad thing but I hope that at some point I can find out if mutual love is possible.

Seriously, this has gone beyond desire. I need the head rush and someone on my skin. Uugh fuck me. Sick of seeing to myself. I want a girl who isn't afraid to be forward with me. Although there's nothing sexier than being wanted 

Tried wrapping up in my covers and cuddling myself in an attempt to feel better, but still feeling like shit. Thought I could fix everything on my own without needing anyone for anything, or atleast I'd like to but I can't. It's seems like the much easier solution to having to constantly get used to the revolving door style people who all promise they are there to stay, that they care and won't treat you like shit and they never do keep that promise. It would be logical to think that the kind of being loved or cared about is reserved for those who are deserving of it. Something unconditional. If I was deserving then I reckon it wouldn't play out the same way every time, there must really be something wrong with me. I wish I knew how to fix it. 

Show me, don't tell me. 

There's something about a girl who wears no make up that really grabs my attention. Find myself looking at them thinking shit, she's stunning. I like that what I'm seeing is just them without altering themselves.  

I've known her for literally a day and a half and I already want her. This is ridiculous. Uugh come over here and wrap yourself around me. I want to get lost in her. To feel her touching me, for her not to care about being too careful. I don't care what her catch is. Imagine her lips on my body how fucking fantastic it would be gives me chills.  

None the less i can't lie that i still pine for her at night.
Wish that i could just kiss her and hold her in my arms one last time.
Hear her tell me that she loves me even if its a lie

You left with nothing but i'll be alright.
You're still around my neck atleast and in my ticker

You know we came full circle, i'm sitting up at a ridiculous time thinking if i had the most luck ever seen then maybe i can hold this girls heart. There is nothing that would make me happier than, looking into her blues and seeing her smile at me. This time, fighting isn't required and i'm stuck between wanting to go to her, look into her eyes and tell her that if she can look back into mine and tell me she feels nothing for me, and she doesn't want me then i will walk away. And wanting her to come to me and tell me without my provocation that i'm the one who holds her heart. I can dream i spose.

It's starting to sink in that one more step and we would have lost him. He would have been off that bridge and there is not a single thing any of us could do about it. That is fucking terrifying. He means so much to everybody

Filled with the unwavering and surley completely ridiculous belief that if she truly loves me, then we will find ourselves comeing back together some how. That's mine and i can keep it, i don't have a lot thats mine. Choices that were made weren't mine, they were out of my hands. I didn't have the chance to fight for us. This is mine though..that i can believe in this. 

I've not felt this lonely in a while..

I need that feeling so badly, when I'm being touched or kissed. Or when she looks at me and I feel wanted an its incredible. I need her, and I want her to want it as much as I do.

Want me
          make me sure that mine are the only pair of hands you want touching you..

Never been so sure this is what I want.

      She's the girl for me

I'm so happy

I can't wait to never have to leave her, genuinely can't wait. Makes me so happy thinking one day we won't have to leave. I feel pathetic for getting upset this quickly but I just plain don't feel right. I think if the timing and everything was right and we had the means we would end up living together. 

I can't sleep 

    My whole body is burning up, it's too much to stand I need her touch. 

I can't wait for it i need her

                It isnt a feeling i can translate into words, craving that moment when you get compleatly carried away. It's not the sex i want, its the feeling of wanting her so much i can't keep my hands off her body or restrain from kissing her. losing it all and not giving a shit how much noise we make.   She's got me bad without even saying a word. 

 The thought of her body ontop of mine, running her hands over my skin, it's driving me crazy. 

            i'm not sure i could stand being teased if she pulled away. Even if she just ran her finger tips down the side of my neck, it would be too much. 

Pull me into you and kiss the fuck out of me.
 You turn me on so much and you know even know it,

It's too irrisistable and i can't help myself...

Fuck me!

            

Losing you slowly to one thing or another.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react to these things. Am I being selfish? Or stupid? Can I handle it better. 

You have an arm that has seen better days, with cuts that will one day fade. It doesn't stop you from being beautiful. You're probably going to wish that they will stay at some point. Give yourself a break from this..Your head must be exaughstead. The abuse of your body only makes it more so. Your standing smack bang in the middle of the cross roads and just because its easier not to get a little lost isn't the reason to keep choosing the same way. If same way hasn't helped you have to make the call to do what you deserve. It might seem hopeless resently, I can see that you need some sort of relief. We can get some help and not let this go any further past your breaking point without having to do anything horrible. There is something that is going to make you feel so much better than have been and you can have it. If you can manage the courage to have it. 

Don't feel like you have to do anything on your own. You may not always want to tell anyone these things, I don't need to be told I'm still coming along with you for it all. You're the love of my life and I won't let you continue to believe and treat yourself like you don't deserve to have a little love for you. Your body. Your life! 

It's not going to be easy or a quick thing to fix. Reality is shit but it may be a case of relapsing once or twice before you get there. But you will get there. There's a hospital or a dance school or a little girl who needs your passion for ballet to insipre them,that need you. No one else they need you. There's people that love you who need you to be the best version of yourself. To see you happy and successful. Don't settle for just getting by mumble penguin... I love you 

It makes me a little sad..

I wish that we could go some place new, together. I don't want to be apart from her or away. I can't wait to get on a train away from here - me and nat - freedom. Together. 

What's the point...

I couldn't care about you anymore than i do. Give you everything i can possibly give you, you have all of me. On nights light this when you're sitting totally unaware of what to do, feeling like total crap i'm sitting in my room doing the exact same. Only being able to think about you, woundering what your doing at that moment. If you're okey and just hoping that you will be alright, that you will make it untill tomorrow because then maybe i can do something, anything to make you feel better. Fact is i do understand. I do care. And i love you.

It's maybe not a normal reaction but i really want you right now. I want to have your eyes on me like there is no one else in the world. I need that feeling just now, when we sleep together. I want your skin  on mine... uggh 

Nobody can come between us, it's me and you mrs. Us against the world. In a lot of ways the more frightening thing is us against ourselves isn't it? But we can either struggle with what's in our heads alone or lean on each other. I won't let the past be something that gets to creep back in. Done and buried!

I really, really love you Natalie. I don't want anything to fuck this up, we are too good together.

To be asked just once, for someone to have the time for me to ask me if I'm really okey. And I would tell them the truth. To suss me out and realise on there own that I'm not right. I don't want to have to tell them because if they don't make the effort to find out then it doesn't matter.

Instead I'll have to face down being awake through hell again. Not another night. I'm exaughsted.

I spend too much effort trying to figure people out, guessing what they are thinking. No no no. Enough's enough and I've only just realised I do it and dodge told me I did it ages ago but I didn't bloody listen. So I'm going to stop guessing and trying to figure it out so much and just let people come to me, let them tell me.

Nobody can help you if you won't help yourself..

Fuck you RCS.
Stolen dreams. She deserved this probably more than anyone else in that room.

It's not going to be alright is it?

Old enough to know now that Nobody will come when I need them

Friends, life and a mixture of over thought and reality.

I'm fed up of feeling like I'm going no where. I feel so trapped and I want someone to hear me...listen just listen. I'm in a dead end job, the collage clearly doesn't give a fuck. I give a fuck I'm not going to spend my life doing nothing.

You know when someone speaks to you in a nasty way or does something and it feels like something in your chest sinks. I cant even remember what was actually said but it hurt me. It's been one of those days and I feel like I'm annoying everyone so I'm just going to leave people alone. Pining for a cuddle.

I miss her and I want her with me in bed right now. Sleeping in my arms, kissing me I don't care I just want her warmth and the smell of her skin. I want her to roll over tomorrow and kiss me.

FUCKING DISTANCE

Can't seem to ever just do what people need me to or ask of me.

I try
So damn hard...that counts right?

Run off the heart ache right

Doesn't work when I've been wishing for something for a year now..working for it. Education hates my guts so im never going to get anywhere

Oh would you just fuck off out of my head. This thing is eating me alive still, from the inside of it and you know what in the least emotional way. I'm fucking sick of it.. Get off me. I'm curing myself for the most fantastic reason. That's my relationship with natalie because she is like the top goal to be the best version of myself. Jealousy can suck it and you can go and fuck yourself becca.

Stay with me

This is the most honest kind of being sad, when all i want for is to hear your voice, a text or the best possible case to run my finger tips over your face and kiss you. To have undeniable proof that you are safe, that you hear me. When you do it pick me up and plops me back down on cloud nine.

To have your attention  

                           when your looking at me with no distraction 

                                                         The times you only want to sit with me at peace in each others arms. It means the absolute world to me. These past few days you have made me feel so incredibly loved and i don't want to let them go because you have made me cry with happiness more times than i can count. Don't let me go please just don't let me go. I'll give you my all and that is all i can promise you. That you will always have all of me from my heart to my eyes. You fascinate me so much and i can't even explain it..when we are lying half asleep and i can run my fingers over your body. I have seen it so many times but every time  i do i'm still taken back, because you are..

You're beautiful. How ever many times i say it, it doesn't compare. There isn't a word i could pull out of my head that would do you justice. And i'm glad because if there was then i wouldn't be able to keep it just for you. You're the one girl i want to see when i wake up, before i close my eyes. When nothing is going right it's you i need to tell me it will be okey, that you love me, then i'll be able to get up and push through because you make me brave. You make me feel like i can be more, that i'm worth something more than the value i put on myself. I love you and that's all there is to it. When you get scared, get worried...get tired of pushing everything back yourself. It's okey to come to me, maybe not to ask for help but to be wrapped up and protected for a while. There is nothing that you can tell me, nothing in the world that would make me want to leave you. I'm sorry cutie, you have me for keeps. What ever you ask of me, i'll do. The thing you said to me last night that really touched me more than anything else has "when i'm with you. Everything's safe"

Time has a funny way of changing things but i truly believe in us. All the new things we haven't one yet? I want to do them with you. To travel, live together. "my biggest wish would be to be able to spend the rest of my life with you" Lets do it. And we will make it the most amazing life together, not ordinary, we have never been ordinary. 

Even if you don't know yourself, who you are..
                                                                     I do my gorgeous girl. I always do. 

Out of our lives? .

FORGET just FORGET.

Then something reminds me

                                    lip service, an advert. Her.

And i want to throw up. 

It would make it all worth it if i could just be sure she means nothing to you, that she ment nothing to you. please come back tonight i can't handle anymore. Need your words because this isn't something i can push back on my own.

Stop being a fucking asshole. She needs you not to be up in her face right now, taking things personally when they aren't intended to be. she needs this. Yes. I'll do better, which wouldn't be hard because i've been putting more pressure on her.

I'm so sorry.
I'll help not hinder.

Of course i want you. Of course i do my beautiful girl..

Reading this just makes me want to bundle you up in my arms and hold you until you know it. I love you, so much that sometimes it's frightening in case you don't feel the same. You don't need to be scared that i don't love you because i do more than anything. If it wasn't for you, well i do not know what i would do. 

I still feel the same about you as i did when i first looked into those beautiful eyes, stayed up having ridiculously long conversations. Resisting for years. In fact today i think i maybe love you more deeply because what we have been through. 

I want to sit with you in my arms for a while.
                                     Tell each other the little niggles and fears. Nothing is as frightening when i'm holding you. 

I wish it had never happened.

Everyday

                                                     

Woke up in the middle of last night choking on blood,

 i was a state, our bed looked like something for a horror movie.

 Literally. 

Tell me that isn't scary... 

When i woke up again i couldn't move without the room spinning. 

Took me until twelve today to get myself up. That's why i didn't come in to the gym today because i didn't have the energy. 

There was never a point where i thought that i should give up.

Iridescent to this there was never a time where i truly believed that she would be able to love me as i love her. Here we are though, i knew it. That, if i believed in her enough that she would come to  me when she had the courage. The only doubt i had was that she wouldn't be able to find that little bit of courage. Then she did in such a dramatic way that it took me back, although i shouldn't be surprised. She's always had a habit of doing that. The first time i saw her was when we were doing techy work at school, she was so desperate to do all the little bits and bobs. Thought she was cute from the word go but there was something about her that was really different, not something that you could see but some how i knew that she was going to be important to me. At first she was a friend that was coming a best friend, someone to talk to and be glad to see every day. The first time i knew she was more? when ever time i saw her my heart would beat a little bit faster, when everyone else seemed to be so much different in comparison. We would sit in the changing rooms after school when she had dancing so that i could walk her after she was changed, i remember sitting trying desperately not to stare. To keep my pulse steady so she didn't twig that it was her doing it. To restrain from relaxing my arms when we cuddled so i would be able to kiss her. To me she has always been tauntingly beautiful, not the kind that you find often. I love her eyes the most, they are so blue and they let me know what she's thinking even if she can't. The freckles on her cheeks and the way a little dimple peeks out when she smiles. I'm pretty sure i could draw every detail of her features if you asked me, but that would require me to be half descent at drawing. 

I always belonged to her in a way i don't to anyone before. But i was trying so desperately to move on in some way - Physically/emotionally it didn't matter i just needed her to see that we belonged with each other - It was the last thing i could think of trying. Even though when i was talking to other girls it felt so much like cheating i couldn't handle it most times, i just wanted to push them away and just leave it. I didn't know if she knew her true feelings until June, that was the first time we kissed. It felt right like it had been waiting to happen for a very long time but it was right for it to happen then. It was never so much of a moment, going from being friends to being a couple, it was more of a natural progression. Mistakes have been made and we don't always manage to do the best for each other but that's a simple kind of perfect. Without the mistakes i'm not sure you can appreciate the time when everything is okey. If something happens then we use each other to get through it, even if it's something one of us has done. Some of the best times together where at school, even just walking to class and always always being late. She would walk in and say " sorry i'm late, it was kirstys fault" to some of the teachers.

I can hardly remember a time with out her, and when i do i don't remember it being as happy. There are so many people that Natalie brings with her, especially her family. They accepted us straight away, most importantly they saw that it was what made her happy. When i'm with Nat at home there is so much more life, the boys will be running about trying to kill each other. Lukas will be pottering about eating things and asking questions. Mamma is running about cleaning things with liam doing his impressions in the kitchen. It's so nice for it not to be quiet, there is something there even when they are yelling at each other you can feel that there is love there. Here? you can't not really. In a way she is more than one person. Natalie, in her self is completely amazing but together with her family, the people who made her part of who she is.

If i ever lost her then no one could compare, she is beautiful, caring, has this really inspiring air about her. There aren't enough words that i could put together to describe. She is quite literally the girl of my dreams and it makes me laugh to write that but it's true. 

Unfair.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgtYi_nS1aM


This..

I really can't stand the sight of myself anymore. I don't know why anyone would want to be around me, if people think i'm even a half descent person then they are wrong. I'm a fucking asshole and i don't deserve what i have. 

Words are shit sometimes, i mean everything has two sides doesn't it. For a strange example they find a cure for cancer? a proper cure that will heal every cell mutation so it remains dormant. But the world needs illness how ever crap it sounds it needs it because the population will just keep increasing until everything runs out. Always two sides. One brilliant one and one shit one.

                                Always try to speak with my best intention but even if the intention is good doesn't that mean that it maybe isn't good. Hurt people without meaning to, make them feel like shit. How do i correct that, seem to toe the line between the two extremes of being a total asshole and being smothering.



*Takes self out of own head