Come home...please come home. Or not home, some place home so i can sit and cuddle you. 

Fabrice said to mum when we went in to drop something off and he said " i think she needs to be forgiven for it" Thats it..that's why i can't let go of the past. Because i still think it's all my fault, no one gave me the chance to make it up to them or appolagise. Fucking nothing they just left. They didn't forgive me for my mistakes

I'm doing my best. Trying to keep on top of work and keep everyone happy. Make sure that everyone is happy and that i'm doing right by them, when i'm not at work trying to spend the time with them. I just seem to fuck things up more, the more i try the worse it gets.

I just need a cuddle.. just one then i will go back to work.

Head, please tell me what the fuck i want please?! I don't know what to do. 

This love has taken it's tole on me. 

Hmm..well thats new.
                   I can't stop smiling tonight 

I have all these things i want to show but i can't and it's like it is choking me. Wrapping itself tighter and tighter. I can't. I'm sick of hiding...why? I know that if i did, the outcome wouldn't be what i needed. I do. I know that. It doesn't stop it burning me up all the time. Ughh can i just. If i could hit myself i would to get rid of this, over and over again until i was out of it.  I have come to realize anything i dream, will always be just that. Too amazing to be true how ever much it's wanted. I'm just a freak in a place where i can watch there dreams come true because they are normal. How it's supposed to be. That's it. 

This is one of those things that you are going to have to work at, you're going to have to work at it even when you don't want to. You want to know the answer to all this is? Use your head. The effort you put into dancing, put the same into looking after yourself too. Because you're worth it...i will look after you too but you like to do these things yourself mainly. I will always look after you, sometimes without you realizing it..

I'm right here? 

It seems like i'm invisible at the moment. 

I'm tired of being ignored and pushed to the side..always coming second place to something.

There's never any time.

I went up the hill and sat on the grass facing crieff. 

You can see all the lights from there. 

I looked for your house light but i wasn't sure where it would be..

I miss you so much.

I feel like the tighter i hold,the more it's going to push you away.

I'm so fucking angry at myself.. I'm hurting her. I know I am. I just want to see you and give you a cuddle... Tell you it's not your fault.

.

If i read it over and over enough maybe it will actually do some damage instead of just feeling like it is, like there is a knife in my chest. 

I want to go and lie on a beach some place on my own and watch the stars, listen to the sea. I don't want to feel anything. Lonely, hurt, tiered..nothing. I just want to be free. It's like i'm carrying all the bad from the past, pushed away, unwanted, the fear and the death. It's on my skin and i can't get it off. I need someone to take my hand and tell me that it'll be okey.

Something safe that won't run from me. 

Stay?
I just want to be cuddled for a while, to feel safe in you're arms.
Someone come this time...

Don't you dare leave me here without you, without my sister. Without my family. When shit goes down i need you by my side, wither that is as well as a girl friend or not. I am always going to need you... Telling me everything that was on your mind it hurt you, i know it did. I'm sorry it hurt you too i wish i could have protected it from you. It was what you needed though, i needed it too. Thankyou my little penguin. Replaced? No. No one is going to replace my penguin she has a special place in my heart..the reason you felt replaced was probably because you'd pushed away silly. 

I miss you

I'm glad you're back, atleast i hope you're back. No more pushing baby? 

If feel as if i keep constantly fucking up and letting you down at the moment. With work and making you thing that i had let you go, or that you had to let go. I'm being a bint i really am. I know it seems like i'm blaming you for things but i'm not, i'm really not i just can never seem to explain with out it sounding like it. I'm too much in my own head at the moment because it's just been work work then on my own. If i start talking shit please ignore me, or you get fed up? ignore me again. To be honest i need to just stop because i reckon you might need some space just to do what you like. So that's what i will do..

Help?

I'm doing what I always do. Fucking everything up and saying things I don't mean to.

I don't care about anything else just now i just want to know that she's okey. I don't know what to do...I can't get to her if she won't let me. Maybe i just need to leave her alone..give her some space. What if somethings happend?! Help. Please, please be okey.

I love you so much and on so many different levels. If you loved me the same then we would have been the cutest couple ever but i know you don't. No one can ever replace you because i want you always to be here. You're my family, my best friend. You're just everything in one person. I'm trying to change my eyes so you can be a bit freer and not have to deal with me being a jealous twat. IF that's not what you want, you need to let me know before it's too late..

Keep looking for the sun my darling because you'll find it even if it only peeps in for a little while you will. Like today..i know it must be so fucking difficult right now. I'm begging you, if you need me please use me. 

A silly rant about nothing

I'm a good coach, i know i am because the kids respond to me. By the time they had finished one little session with me they where chatting away and opening up more having come from the other coaches where they where all glum and quiet. Funnily enough the other coaches who where much older than me pushed me out of there little huddle and treated me like a child. I'm not an in your face chatting a way kind of person so people automatically assume that you're shy and won't speak. It really bugs me. It is impossible to try and talk to people who think they are better than you, and a lot of people seem to think there higher than everyone else.

To the lady who didn't even have the decease to respond to me when i politely asked her a question and just looked at me like i was a piece of crap, I'm sad that you have clearly been wronged at some point in your life to make you think that you are in some way better than i am. I was stupidly under the impression that you where an adult. I'm sorry about that.

You don't need it. 

You're stronger than that kay? 

Even though it feels like you're head is going to explode, i know it helps it really does but sit it out and you will realize you don't need it anymore after a while. It takes time but i believe in you. 

No more scars..?

I need to know she's okey but it's like all the doors are locked and I can't get in. If I've lost her I'm not ever going to forgive myself..please don't be the case. If I've done something that's hurt her. Gah I can't even stand the thought.

Come back, please just come home baby...

 I couldn't stand losing you, not now and not ever. You're my lungs and i can't breathe without you. 

If i ever was to leave, i would be straight back in tears at your door.

I can't and further more i don't want to.

I'm no where near being ready to move on. It's like this little force that pulls me towards her and i can't escape it further more I don't want to. I'm honestly questioning if i can because right now it really doesn't feel like it at all. I thought it would be easy changing the way i felt, like with becca. That was easy...i guess i didn't truly love her. This time is different it's never felt like if one person wasn't some where anywhere on the planet, it would be utterly pointless to stay.

I love you

and i can never truly show it.

“I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it"

Cuddle me close...kiss me or something.
I just need to be close.

Don't make me explain blog.

I wish for the same thing every time

I can still do that much. It's what keeps me going some times. I know, that it would be too unbelievably good to be true but I wish anyway. I dont deserve it to come true. Wake up in the morning and my pillow is soaking and I can't remember when I fell asleep.

Today's no different.

It's no secret, i miss you. I was daydreaming today when i was polishing glasses and i imagen if you just walked through the door, i ran up and hugged you and i cried on your shoulder. In fact we both did..was just happy to see you smiling at me. Then lee came and ordered me to clear a table and it was gone, had to pretend to get a drink so i could compose myself.

I love you, i'm so sorry i couldn't be there last night or today..i know it must be harder on you baby.