Stay with me

This is the most honest kind of being sad, when all i want for is to hear your voice, a text or the best possible case to run my finger tips over your face and kiss you. To have undeniable proof that you are safe, that you hear me. When you do it pick me up and plops me back down on cloud nine.

To have your attention  

                           when your looking at me with no distraction 

                                                         The times you only want to sit with me at peace in each others arms. It means the absolute world to me. These past few days you have made me feel so incredibly loved and i don't want to let them go because you have made me cry with happiness more times than i can count. Don't let me go please just don't let me go. I'll give you my all and that is all i can promise you. That you will always have all of me from my heart to my eyes. You fascinate me so much and i can't even explain it..when we are lying half asleep and i can run my fingers over your body. I have seen it so many times but every time  i do i'm still taken back, because you are..

You're beautiful. How ever many times i say it, it doesn't compare. There isn't a word i could pull out of my head that would do you justice. And i'm glad because if there was then i wouldn't be able to keep it just for you. You're the one girl i want to see when i wake up, before i close my eyes. When nothing is going right it's you i need to tell me it will be okey, that you love me, then i'll be able to get up and push through because you make me brave. You make me feel like i can be more, that i'm worth something more than the value i put on myself. I love you and that's all there is to it. When you get scared, get worried...get tired of pushing everything back yourself. It's okey to come to me, maybe not to ask for help but to be wrapped up and protected for a while. There is nothing that you can tell me, nothing in the world that would make me want to leave you. I'm sorry cutie, you have me for keeps. What ever you ask of me, i'll do. The thing you said to me last night that really touched me more than anything else has "when i'm with you. Everything's safe"

Time has a funny way of changing things but i truly believe in us. All the new things we haven't one yet? I want to do them with you. To travel, live together. "my biggest wish would be to be able to spend the rest of my life with you" Lets do it. And we will make it the most amazing life together, not ordinary, we have never been ordinary. 

Even if you don't know yourself, who you are..
                                                                     I do my gorgeous girl. I always do. 

Out of our lives? .

FORGET just FORGET.

Then something reminds me

                                    lip service, an advert. Her.

And i want to throw up. 

It would make it all worth it if i could just be sure she means nothing to you, that she ment nothing to you. please come back tonight i can't handle anymore. Need your words because this isn't something i can push back on my own.

Stop being a fucking asshole. She needs you not to be up in her face right now, taking things personally when they aren't intended to be. she needs this. Yes. I'll do better, which wouldn't be hard because i've been putting more pressure on her.

I'm so sorry.
I'll help not hinder.

Of course i want you. Of course i do my beautiful girl..

Reading this just makes me want to bundle you up in my arms and hold you until you know it. I love you, so much that sometimes it's frightening in case you don't feel the same. You don't need to be scared that i don't love you because i do more than anything. If it wasn't for you, well i do not know what i would do. 

I still feel the same about you as i did when i first looked into those beautiful eyes, stayed up having ridiculously long conversations. Resisting for years. In fact today i think i maybe love you more deeply because what we have been through. 

I want to sit with you in my arms for a while.
                                     Tell each other the little niggles and fears. Nothing is as frightening when i'm holding you. 

I wish it had never happened.

Everyday

                                                     

Woke up in the middle of last night choking on blood,

 i was a state, our bed looked like something for a horror movie.

 Literally. 

Tell me that isn't scary... 

When i woke up again i couldn't move without the room spinning. 

Took me until twelve today to get myself up. That's why i didn't come in to the gym today because i didn't have the energy. 

There was never a point where i thought that i should give up.

Iridescent to this there was never a time where i truly believed that she would be able to love me as i love her. Here we are though, i knew it. That, if i believed in her enough that she would come to  me when she had the courage. The only doubt i had was that she wouldn't be able to find that little bit of courage. Then she did in such a dramatic way that it took me back, although i shouldn't be surprised. She's always had a habit of doing that. The first time i saw her was when we were doing techy work at school, she was so desperate to do all the little bits and bobs. Thought she was cute from the word go but there was something about her that was really different, not something that you could see but some how i knew that she was going to be important to me. At first she was a friend that was coming a best friend, someone to talk to and be glad to see every day. The first time i knew she was more? when ever time i saw her my heart would beat a little bit faster, when everyone else seemed to be so much different in comparison. We would sit in the changing rooms after school when she had dancing so that i could walk her after she was changed, i remember sitting trying desperately not to stare. To keep my pulse steady so she didn't twig that it was her doing it. To restrain from relaxing my arms when we cuddled so i would be able to kiss her. To me she has always been tauntingly beautiful, not the kind that you find often. I love her eyes the most, they are so blue and they let me know what she's thinking even if she can't. The freckles on her cheeks and the way a little dimple peeks out when she smiles. I'm pretty sure i could draw every detail of her features if you asked me, but that would require me to be half descent at drawing. 

I always belonged to her in a way i don't to anyone before. But i was trying so desperately to move on in some way - Physically/emotionally it didn't matter i just needed her to see that we belonged with each other - It was the last thing i could think of trying. Even though when i was talking to other girls it felt so much like cheating i couldn't handle it most times, i just wanted to push them away and just leave it. I didn't know if she knew her true feelings until June, that was the first time we kissed. It felt right like it had been waiting to happen for a very long time but it was right for it to happen then. It was never so much of a moment, going from being friends to being a couple, it was more of a natural progression. Mistakes have been made and we don't always manage to do the best for each other but that's a simple kind of perfect. Without the mistakes i'm not sure you can appreciate the time when everything is okey. If something happens then we use each other to get through it, even if it's something one of us has done. Some of the best times together where at school, even just walking to class and always always being late. She would walk in and say " sorry i'm late, it was kirstys fault" to some of the teachers.

I can hardly remember a time with out her, and when i do i don't remember it being as happy. There are so many people that Natalie brings with her, especially her family. They accepted us straight away, most importantly they saw that it was what made her happy. When i'm with Nat at home there is so much more life, the boys will be running about trying to kill each other. Lukas will be pottering about eating things and asking questions. Mamma is running about cleaning things with liam doing his impressions in the kitchen. It's so nice for it not to be quiet, there is something there even when they are yelling at each other you can feel that there is love there. Here? you can't not really. In a way she is more than one person. Natalie, in her self is completely amazing but together with her family, the people who made her part of who she is.

If i ever lost her then no one could compare, she is beautiful, caring, has this really inspiring air about her. There aren't enough words that i could put together to describe. She is quite literally the girl of my dreams and it makes me laugh to write that but it's true. 

Unfair.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgtYi_nS1aM


This..

I really can't stand the sight of myself anymore. I don't know why anyone would want to be around me, if people think i'm even a half descent person then they are wrong. I'm a fucking asshole and i don't deserve what i have. 

Words are shit sometimes, i mean everything has two sides doesn't it. For a strange example they find a cure for cancer? a proper cure that will heal every cell mutation so it remains dormant. But the world needs illness how ever crap it sounds it needs it because the population will just keep increasing until everything runs out. Always two sides. One brilliant one and one shit one.

                                Always try to speak with my best intention but even if the intention is good doesn't that mean that it maybe isn't good. Hurt people without meaning to, make them feel like shit. How do i correct that, seem to toe the line between the two extremes of being a total asshole and being smothering.



*Takes self out of own head