I only really deal with pain by exercising or getting hurt. Rugby combines both of them. Nobody knows but thats why most girls play rugby away from a love of the sport, because they need to feel a little bit alive. Even though what happened with elli i always have wanted to be hit by a car and i can't explain it. I feel fucking awfull about it because it is being so ungreatful and treating it kind of like a joke when it's what took elli away. It's just the truth, and it's in my head a scary amount.
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