I feel weird, like I'm not even really here or registering anything that is going on. Lee asked me today if I was enjoying working out front and I don't even know. I'm not, not enjoying it but I'm not enjoying it..make sense? I don't know. The gals have been so distant with me lately. They don't even text or call anymore, because im away so much I try to arrange stuff on days off and they just aren't interested. I guess I just feel like at the moment I have to deal with shit myself. Work hard and get some money in the bank. When I come home do all the things that need to be done so mum and dad can have a break. When I say break however if I didn't do them they wouldn't get done. I don't mind in the slightest working it's just one of those things, like wise with the house work. I wish it didn't have to be social life or work though because I'm struggling to have both and I'm only part time. I'm not really dealing with this am I? Burying my head in the sand hoping things will change soon. I'm happy just now, I am, but I know it's because I'm not facing up and dealing with things. Frankly I don't want to again. It's just one after another after another and I have to pick myself of and some how magically still have any self respect. No one gives a shit if you're sad so you just have to fix it. Every night before I go to sleep I tell myself that one day ill be able to make someone happy, that I'll be enough - even though I'm not sure I believe it anymore. It's just become this big thing that i'm always chasing.
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